So then, getting divorced...

[Zoob]

My Mrs seems to be making a real effort and even apologised for a lot of her historic actions which was a shock. I think she’s seen me ready to go so maybe that’s what it is. I’ve also been a lot quicker to stand my ground and not put up with unreasonable behaviour.

 

Have to see if it lasts - it probably won’t but I’m cautiously giving it a chance for the short term and see how we go. I’m willing to entertain the idea that I’ve been far too much of a soft sh*te up to now and it’s got me taken advantage of, but I’m absolutely not going back to it again.

 

 

Leo - I could have written the above several times over the last few years. It's uncanny how much that's like stuff I've said to my brothers. I hope it can work out for you... all I'd say, with our wive's seemingly having some similarities based on discussions earlier in the thread, is be careful of things just slowly slowly slipping back to the old ways. It's like the frog being slowly boiled alive and only realising late on. Good luck sir! I'm also here and happy to chat by PM / email as well as on here. 

[Nate.]

Reading this thread makes me want to be nicer to my Mrs more often.

[Raj]

Look forward to that mate

Yes mate. I’m ok in the main.

Defo on for atletico

[bsl]

Reading this thread makes me want to be nicer to my Mrs more often.

If you mean what I'm thinking, which is how lucky I am, I agree. Mine is a f***ing pain in the a*** sometimes but nowhere near what some of the lads in this thread are dealing with.

[D.Boon]

If there was the female equivalent of this thread somewhere there would probably be a post by my wife similar to some of the above. Ignorance is bliss.

[Leo No.8]

Leo - I could have written the above several times over the last few years. It's uncanny how much that's like stuff I've said to my brothers. I hope it can work out for you... all I'd say, with our wive's seemingly having some similarities based on discussions earlier in the thread, is be careful of things just slowly slowly slipping back to the old ways. It's like the frog being slowly boiled alive and only realising late on. Good luck sir! I'm also here and happy to chat by PM / email as well as on here.

Hey Zoob - how are you getting on mate?

 

Thanks for the above - she’s now reverted to type so that didn’t last long! She can’t keep it up for more than a few days. The issue is, if it’s that much of an effort just to be a decent human being then there’s little hope.

 

I know how it is, and it’s not going to change. I know there is an underlying personality disorder which means however much I ask her to change ifs not happening. I just have to either accept it or move on, it’s in my hands.

 

I think I’m just in love with the idea of being part of a family unit, rather than with my wife. It’s such a wrench to break it up but it’ll never be functional whilst she’s part of it and deep down I know it’s the best thing for everyone.

 

I am also a creature of routine and habit, and it’s hard to just smash all that to pieces! I’m not unhappy in my life as such, I’m very thankful for most of it. I like to stay positive and I’m very happy away from her - but some of the disrespect I have to put up with really does sting.

 

I think the course of events lining up for me means I will likely move out next month. I know I won't look back when I do. It’s just getting out the door that’s hard with the kids.

[New York Red]

Courage Leo.

[Zoob]

Hey Zoob - how are you getting on mate?

 

Thanks for the above - she’s now reverted to type so that didn’t last long! She can’t keep it up for more than a few days. The issue is, if it’s that much of an effort just to be a decent human being then there’s little hope.

 

I know how it is, and it’s not going to change. I know there is an underlying personality disorder which means however much I ask her to change ifs not happening. I just have to either accept it or move on, it’s in my hands.

 

I think I’m just in love with the idea of being part of a family unit, rather than with my wife. It’s such a wrench to break it up but it’ll never be functional whilst she’s part of it and deep down I know it’s the best thing for everyone.

 

I am also a creature of routine and habit, and it’s hard to just smash all that to pieces! I’m not unhappy in my life as such, I’m very thankful for most of it. I like to stay positive and I’m very happy away from her - but some of the disrespect I have to put up with really does sting.

 

I think the course of events lining up for me means I will likely move out next month. I know I won't look back when I do. It’s just getting out the door that’s hard with the kids.

 

Ha! pity you and I live several thousand miles away. Would be good to grab a beer and laugh about our freakishly similar lives!

 

I can completely relate to the above. There's actually part of me that wants to go back, fight for it, make it work, learn to live with the insanity etc..  My kids are super struggling, and whatever way I try to work out the finances, it's really hard. Either way, either result.. life is tough!  

[New York Red]

You both have absolutely amazing attitudes about this though. Truly. I think you are both handling these situations brilliantly.

[Zoob]

You both have absolutely amazing attitudes about this though. Truly. I think you are both handling these situations brilliantly.

 

Thanks... although I'll be honest... it's tough. some days are easier, some days are tougher. I think I have a bit of Stockholm syndrome, because there's times I really miss my wife, even though she treated me poorly most of the time. And while I do enjoy having my own space, it's kind of tough to be on one's own having been in a relationship for 13 years...  and it will take me a bit more time before I can get my head in the right place to be with someone else, even though that's ultimately what I want.

[cymrococh]

I'm guessing you fellas are late 30s/early 40s. That is apparently the prime age for getting pumps off women on the internet so fill your boots.

[Barnesy_10]

I'm guessing you fellas are late 30s/early 40s. That is apparently the prime age for getting pumps off women on the internet so fill your boots.

42... And in all honesty I dunno what it is but seems really common at this age for separations to happen and not sure if it's some signal that gets given off but have had a couple of mums on the school run ask me out... Which is nice, though am not really ready for any of that right now.. Also got mates, although being thoughtful keep offering to set me up with people they know...

[Leo No.8]

You both have absolutely amazing attitudes about this though. Truly. I think you are both handling these situations brilliantly.

Thanks mate!

Ha! pity you and I live several thousand miles away. Would be good to grab a beer and laugh about our freakishly similar lives!

 

I can completely relate to the above. There's actually part of me that wants to go back, fight for it, make it work, learn to live with the insanity etc.. My kids are super struggling, and whatever way I try to work out the finances, it's really hard. Either way, either result.. life is tough!

Yeah the similarities are uncanny!

 

It’s a good thing to be able to share at least.

 

Like others have said it’s amazing how good this place can be even when it comes to the serious life stuff.

[Leo No.8]

How is everyone getting on - Zoob, Raj?

[Raj]

5 hours ago, Leo No.8 said:

How is everyone getting on - Zoob, Raj?

I’m ok mate. All will be better when I move into a new place. Be 2/3 months but it’ll happen soon enough. 
 

how are you?

[Zoob]

I'm suffering. I know it may sound crazy, but I'm trying to reconcile things with my wife. Many different reasons, but I understand her better now than ever before so I think we really have a possible future... unfortunately, while not entirely closing the door on the idea. I think she fears going back to how things were before (with neither of us happy) and is also enjoying having some time and freedom the ~40-50% of the time the kids are with me.  But it's all very "Upside Down"...  I don't like feeling this way, and actually have some meds now for anxiety. I've never suffered from anxiety before, and it's absolutely horrible. Closest I could say to describe it, is how your heart speeds up and you feel nervous before opening exam results, or getting a call or email after a job interview.... These usually last for a few seconds, or maybe a minute, but with Anxiety it's like that sped up heart rate, and almost a crushing feeling that can last for minutes and be on and off for hours. Combination of things also means my sleep is really messed up too, so averaging about 4 hours a night. I'd take stuff to help me sleep, but it's hard to do that when the kids are here.  I do have support though - my brothers are super helpful, I chat to them most days, and I see a therapist too... 

[kop205]

Hope it all works out ok, whatever happens

[Molby]

8 hours ago, Zoob said:

I'm suffering. I know it may sound crazy, but I'm trying to reconcile things with my wife. Many different reasons, but I understand her better now than ever before so I think we really have a possible future... unfortunately, while not entirely closing the door on the idea. I think she fears going back to how things were before (with neither of us happy) and is also enjoying having some time and freedom the ~40-50% of the time the kids are with me.  But it's all very "Upside Down"...  I don't like feeling this way, and actually have some meds now for anxiety. I've never suffered from anxiety before, and it's absolutely horrible. Closest I could say to describe it, is how your heart speeds up and you feel nervous before opening exam results, or getting a call or email after a job interview.... These usually last for a few seconds, or maybe a minute, but with Anxiety it's like that sped up heart rate, and almost a crushing feeling that can last for minutes and be on and off for hours. Combination of things also means my sleep is really messed up too, so averaging about 4 hours a night. I'd take stuff to help me sleep, but it's hard to do that when the kids are here.  I do have support though - my brothers are super helpful, I chat to them most days, and I see a therapist too... 

this is bloody awful; very sorry to hear and I'd advise above all else, to keep at it with the therapist and with the therapies when you're alone

needless to say, I wouldn't advise going back with your ex, especially as it sounds like one of the main drivers would be to restore equilibrium in your own mental state

it's tough, and easy for me to say, but a better way is to battle through the problems you're having, because if and when you come out the other side (and one should be optimistic, since you have not had anxiety before) you'll be in a really good place - you'll be uncompromised and intact

getting back with an ex, thinking lessons will be learned and people will change and all that, is statistically very unlikely to work out

usually it's just a process of giving yourself duff info to justify it,  in order to get over horrible feelings but these feelings will not last forever and you've got the rest of your life ahead of you

[Leo No.8]

On 25/02/2020 at 20:55, Raj said:

I’m ok mate. All will be better when I move into a new place. Be 2/3 months but it’ll happen soon enough. 
 

how are you?

I’m ok mate thanks for asking - bit weird at the moment as it’s a kind of truce, but now I’ve really got my head around the way a narcissist works it’s hard to see anything as being real. Work is on the upturn which is great but it has been a tough 12 months with Brexit and we are behind so could do with putting money away .

No matter how much I say that though stopping her spending is impossible. She’s having a nose job this week, I told her we can’t afford it and she doesn’t need it but she’s just took the money and is doing it anyway. If and when we do split up I’ll have some work on stopping her doing this! She’s just relentless.

When I mentioned about the way narcissists work, she put the tears on the other night and said she needed my approval for the operation because she was scared she was going to die. I’m a stupid soft sh*te and I’d probably have gone for this in the past, but now I’m wiser to the manipulation tactics I said whilst I was sure she would be ok I didn’t approve and it’s her decision (against my will) for her vanity - so on her head be it.

It is a bit unsettling to feel like every discussion is some form of being worked but at least I can now see it. And whilst people may laugh at me seeing my refusing to approve and her doing it anyway being some sort of progress,  weirdly to me it is!

My Mum is moving back to the UK next month and won’t be living far away from us or school - whilst she’s just as difficult in different ways it will open up the possibility of being able to move out or stay elsewhere if required - so that might be the catalyst for getting on with what needs to be done. It is hard though, just working myself up to it.

Hope you get sorted with your new place soon! That will be a big step forward - will be nice to catch up with you for the Atletico game!  

Edited March 2, 2020 by Leo No.8

[Leo No.8]

12 hours ago, Zoob said:

I'm suffering. I know it may sound crazy, but I'm trying to reconcile things with my wife. Many different reasons, but I understand her better now than ever before so I think we really have a possible future... unfortunately, while not entirely closing the door on the idea. I think she fears going back to how things were before (with neither of us happy) and is also enjoying having some time and freedom the ~40-50% of the time the kids are with me.  But it's all very "Upside Down"...  I don't like feeling this way, and actually have some meds now for anxiety. I've never suffered from anxiety before, and it's absolutely horrible. Closest I could say to describe it, is how your heart speeds up and you feel nervous before opening exam results, or getting a call or email after a job interview.... These usually last for a few seconds, or maybe a minute, but with Anxiety it's like that sped up heart rate, and almost a crushing feeling that can last for minutes and be on and off for hours. Combination of things also means my sleep is really messed up too, so averaging about 4 hours a night. I'd take stuff to help me sleep, but it's hard to do that when the kids are here.  I do have support though - my brothers are super helpful, I chat to them most days, and I see a therapist too... 

So sorry to hear that mate - hope things improve for you. For some reason I can’t see myself ever wanting to go back when I’m out, but perhaps it feels different when you get there. The bit I’m struggling with is getting out of the door,  even though I’m certain it’s the right thing.

Edited March 2, 2020 by Leo No.8

[Barnesy_10]

Hope things work out Zoob... look after yourself and its great to hear you have support with your brothers and the therapist. 

Trying to reconcile from my experience didn't work out. I understood the issues I had with my ex and I have taken those on board as a life lesson. A valuable one. I respect my ex and she fortunately seems happy currently. Shes been pretty vocal on Facebook about her single life which I am glad about. 

We have had our One 2 One mediation sessions and next week we have our first one together. I will report back how it goes, I am nervous about it as its all financial situations out on the table. Which is daunting to think about. But its another hurdle than needs to be accomplished to get where we need to be.

The kids have been brilliant throughout. So proud of them both. It is coming up to a year since I moved out and yeah its not always been easy. Some days I wish I was seeing the kids when I am not 'scheduled' to and some days I miss having my house... but I know my kids are a phone call away and when I do see them it is always quality time. 

I have managed to rebuild some friendships which had dwindled when I didn't have free time. Get to see mates and do things I want to do without having to check if its OK first... which has proven extremely uplifting and much less restrictive than what I had for so many years. 

Best of luck to everyone going through all this though... definitely make sure to open up to people close to you.

[Zoob]

5 hours ago, Molby said:

this is bloody awful; very sorry to hear and I'd advise above all else, to keep at it with the therapist and with the therapies when you're alone

needless to say, I wouldn't advise going back with your ex, especially as it sounds like one of the main drivers would be to restore equilibrium in your own mental state

it's tough, and easy for me to say, but a better way is to battle through the problems you're having, because if and when you come out the other side (and one should be optimistic, since you have not had anxiety before) you'll be in a really good place - you'll be uncompromised and intact

getting back with an ex, thinking lessons will be learned and people will change and all that, is statistically very unlikely to work out

usually it's just a process of giving yourself duff info to justify it,  in order to get over horrible feelings but these feelings will not last forever and you've got the rest of your life ahead of you

Yeah  - I definitely have some serious cognitive dissonance going on. Also aware that the anxiety impacts my ability to think rationally. But mostly the anxiety has been when I think about us not getting back together. We still see each other a fair bit - sometimes I go over to the house for dinner with her and the kids, I can really see a change in both of us... What's basically happened to me since I  moved out is I've swapped anger and frustration, for loss and sadness. I do think I have a much better understanding of my wife so could learn to avoid some of the triggers that set me off... She's tentatively agreed to go to couples' counselling. We never really stuck at it before - maybe 8-9 sessions split between 2 utterly useless therapists (one of which just made things worse) 

1 hour ago, Leo No.8 said:

So sorry to hear that mate - hope things improve for you. For some reason I can’t see myself ever wanting to go back when I’m out, but perhaps it feels different when you get there. The bit I’m struggling with is getting out of the door,  even though I’m certain it’s the right thing.

Think getting out the door definitely is the hardest part. I had to leave to give myself the time, space etc to recover and get my thinking straight.  All this soul searching led me to a better understanding - but maybe I am kidding myself.  

 

29 minutes ago, Barnesy_10 said:

Hope things work out Zoob... look after yourself and its great to hear you have support with your brothers and the therapist. 

Trying to reconcile from my experience didn't work out. I understood the issues I had with my ex and I have taken those on board as a life lesson. A valuable one. I respect my ex and she fortunately seems happy currently. Shes been pretty vocal on Facebook about her single life which I am glad about. 

We have had our One 2 One mediation sessions and next week we have our first one together. I will report back how it goes, I am nervous about it as its all financial situations out on the table. Which is daunting to think about. But its another hurdle than needs to be accomplished to get where we need to be.

The kids have been brilliant throughout. So proud of them both. It is coming up to a year since I moved out and yeah its not always been easy. Some days I wish I was seeing the kids when I am not 'scheduled' to and some days I miss having my house... but I know my kids are a phone call away and when I do see them it is always quality time. 

I have managed to rebuild some friendships which had dwindled when I didn't have free time. Get to see mates and do things I want to do without having to check if its OK first... which has proven extremely uplifting and much less restrictive than what I had for so many years. 

Best of luck to everyone going through all this though... definitely make sure to open up to people close to you.

That's good to hear mate. Glad things are going well overall. 

[Raj]

4 hours ago, Leo No.8 said:

I’m ok mate thanks for asking - bit weird at the moment as it’s a kind of truce, but now I’ve really got my head around the way a narcissist works it’s hard to see anything as being real. Work is on the upturn which is great but it has been a tough 12 months with Brexit and we are behind so could do with putting money away .

No matter how much I say that though stopping her spending is impossible. She’s having a nose job this week, I told her we can’t afford it and she doesn’t need it but she’s just took the money and is doing it anyway. If and when we do split up I’ll have some work on stopping her doing this! She’s just relentless.

When I mentioned about the way narcissists work, she put the tears on the other night and said she needed my approval for the operation because she was scared she was going to die. I’m a stupid soft sh*te and I’d probably have gone for this in the past, but now I’m wiser to the manipulation tactics I said whilst I was sure she would be ok I didn’t approve and it’s her decision (against my will) for her vanity - so on her head be it.

It is a bit unsettling to feel like every discussion is some form of being worked but at least I can now see it. And whilst people may laugh at me seeing my refusing to approve and her doing it anyway being some sort of progress,  weirdly to me it is!

My Mum is moving back to the UK next month and won’t be living far away from us or school - whilst she’s just as difficult in different ways it will open up the possibility of being able to move out or stay elsewhere if required - so that might be the catalyst for getting on with what needs to be done. It is hard though, just working myself up to it.

Hope you get sorted with your new place soon! That will be a big step forward - will be nice to catch up with you for the Atletico game!  

Mate. You need to speak to a lawyer and get out. It’s not getting better by the sounds of it

ive actually made some headway to move things on. She’s said a few things which make me think she may want to reconcile but I’m not interested. Sometimes it’s just better to cut your losses 

hoping to get to atletico but been told I might have to go to France. But I’ve said that I don’t want to go due to coronavirus fears. I’ll know more in a few days but be good to see you  

Edited March 2, 2020 by Raj

[Leo No.8]

So this has just become completely unsustainable for me, I think I'm going to have to go.

What a time for me to reach breaking point! She went out on the ale on Friday night despite the advice, lay in bed all weekend with a hangover while I did everything, then kicked off (over the Sunday roast I'd cooked) because I'd allowed my daughter to wear her hoodie to play outside. 'What gives you the right to let her wear it?'.

Does anyone think that is normal?

[Molby]

18 minutes ago, Leo No.8 said:

So this has just become completely unsustainable for me, I think I'm going to have to go.

What a time for me to reach breaking point! She went out on the ale on Friday night despite the advice, lay in bed all weekend with a hangover while I did everything, then kicked off (over the Sunday roast I'd cooked) because I'd allowed my daughter to wear her hoodie to play outside. 'What gives you the right to let her wear it?'.

Does anyone think that is normal?

nobody in the world, unless they're insane

get it over with mate, it's not fair on you...probably not on anyone