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The Mancs are Red Swine Flu

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Morgan just went up in my estimation; wasn't hard, to be fair.




My 10-point guide to beating Red Swine Flu



My contracting of this disease could not have come at a worse time. My health, like that of so many Arsenal fans, has been decimated by nine months of repeated attacks on my immune system from red-blooded antibodies sourced to unlikely places like Hull, Stoke and Fulham.


Now, just when I thought I was finally building up my strength again, I get hit by this potentially cataclysmic viral assault.


And, with just two days until I receive my final diagnosis at the Emirates Stadium, there are only two questions that really matter. Is there a cure and can I avert death?


The answer, I am relieved and delighted to inform you, is yes. So here is my 10- point guide to surviving Red Swine Flu.




1. Take out the carrier. Every killer virus has a catalyst and in this case it is the Chief Porker himself, Sir Alex Ferguson. Everything stems from him. My recommendation is to dose his chewing gum with magnesium citrate, the fastest working laxative in the pharmaceutical business.



2. Swine are greedy and they don't come greedier than Cristiano Ronaldo. To nullify his undoubted threat every Arsenal supporter must toss a £50 note into the air each time he step-overs his way down the wing and watch his pockmarked little snout go crazy.



3. Perhaps the most dangerous of all swine is the Rooney. More compact than normal, with a larger head and shorter legs, it's a very strong, feral beast with limited cerebral mass but extremely dangerous if left to roam. Only way to deal with it is equally savage - I recommend an Alexander Song haymaker tackle in the first minute.



4. Swine are sometimes known as hogs, which is particularly appropriate in the case of the Carrick. This lanky, gormless-looking crossbreed (he used to reside in the East End of London) hogged the damn ball all flaming night last Wednesday and must be deprived of such possession again. Which means YOU, Senor Fabregas, have to get stuck into him a bit more. Comprende?



5. Swine will eat literally anything that gets in their way - even other swine, if they are physically weaker. Unfortunately, as witnessed at Old Trafford, this latter category currently includes the enfeebled Diaby and Nasri. Either bulk them up with steroids or tell them they're being deported if they bottle it again.



6. Dimitar Berbatov is perhaps the laziest swine in Premier League history but is deadly if stirred. My recommendation is simple: Let him remain stationary in the middle of our half all game where he'll be quite happy unless provoked.



7. Swine are traditionally slow. Especially those called O'Shea. So the best way to defeat them is to run rings round them. We need to stick ants in Theo 'fastest land mammal' Walcott's shorts, switch him to the left wing, and watch him erupt like Usain Bolt on acid.



8. Swine are dumb. So we have to be less dumb. Which, given the way Emmanuel Adebayor treats the offside rule, is not going to be easy. Just. Stay. Onside. You. Great. Gangly. Imbecile.



9. Older swine develop sharper intuition and must be treated with more caution. Particular attention must be given to the rare, ginger workhorse, the Scholes, and the hairy-chested Welsh high-speed trotter, the Giggs.



10. When swine are distressed they oink, a persistent moaning sound. United are world-class at this, led by oinker-in-chief Ferdinand. With the oinking comes indiscipline. And the best way to start them oinking is to score an early goal. I suggest this is done by unleashing Van Persie in the direction of the ageing, increasingly suspect, Van der Sar.

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