Football Manager greats

[Sir Tokyo Sexwale]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2008/...yofsix-football

 

1) Tonton Zola Moukoko (AM/F C)

 

The daddy of Champo Manager. The Godfather Part II. The Sopranos. The OK Computer. The Fawlty Towers. The Alan Carr. The Allen Carr. The Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of A Crisps. Hang on, we lost our way a bit there. Anyway, it's a fact that more thirtysomethings remember the name of Tonton Zola Moukoko than the name of the bloke who sat next to them at school. That said, not everyone could spell it: Moukoko, who now plays in the Swedish lower leagues, was actually spelt Mokouko on the 2000-01 version. At that stage he was a promising youngster at Derby, apparently courted by Juventus among others, and lent an exotic bent by the seven syllables of that majestic name and his Swedish/Ghanaian background.

 

Available for around £500,000 from Derby - who didn't even play him in the first team, the doofii - he gobbled up goals and assists like a powered-up Pac-Man, and was absolutely devastating in the hole behind a lone striker. Even now he has a Facebook appreciation group: men whose upper lips remain defiantly stiff at funerals go a big rubbery one when they remember the time he banged in two in the last four minutes to overturn a 1-2 deficit at home to Grimsby in the Champions League semi-final of 2014-15. His success and reliability took man-love to new, twisted levels of absurdity. Champo Manager has, of course, been cited in more than 35 divorce cases. It's one thing to call your wife by the wrong name during boudoir funtime, quite another to call her 'Tonton'.

 

2) Mark Collis & Ferrah Orosco (AM C & D RC)

 

Wish fulfilment comes in many forms - most of them while you're asleep and therefore not awake and being you - and the chance to make oneself a star of English football was always likely to prove irresistible for the geekier end of the fraternity. That's what Mark Collis and Ferrah Orosco, who worked on the game, did in the 1993-94 end-of-season edition: both were put straight into lowly Cambridge's team as fully fledged England internationals. Reports that Graeme Souness tried to sign them to play alongside Ali Dia at Southampton three seasons later, after a tip off from Roy Race, are unconfirmed.

 

Then, for the 2001-02, a programmer called Tó Madeira decided to illicitly slip himself into the game as an almost peerless goalscorer (available on a free at the start, too). Some internet forums suggest he was sacked as a result but, due to the credit crunch, the Guardian can no longer afford to fly us to Portugal to investigate, so we can't be sure.

 

3) Maxim Tsigalko (S C)

 

Short of a lube fiasco with a ladyboy, there are few more chastening experiences in the mezzanine hours than realising you're still playing Champo and you're up for work in, ooh, 12 minues. Maxim Tsigalko was the sort of man who made you do that. Available for Dinamo Minsk for a pittance on the 2001-02 version - although not in England, because he couldn't get a work permit at the start of the game - Tsigalko went on the sort of preposterous scoring runs whose conclusion you simply couldn't wait until the morning to see.

 

For some he even managed 100 goals in a season, which gave a whole new meaning to the notion of boys in darkened rooms getting off on the Maxim Hot 100. To do this, however, you usually needed to have him man-marking the opposition goalkeeper, an ultra-successful but entirely unrealistic tactic which, without question, is the most tragic cheat employed by anyone ever. If you can't play this fictitious, contrived and brilliantly unrealistic game honestly, then what's the point of anything?

 

4) Tommy Svindal Larsen (M LC)

 

The Scandinavian market was the H&M of Champo Manager: the place where you could pick up umpteen supercool bargains for next to nothing, while most of the punters were ostentatiously purchasing similar quality stuff for thrice the price over the road. The pick of those bargains, for many, was Tommy Svindal Larsen, an absolute beast in the 1997-98 version who could be poached from Stabaek for a few coppers and a Werthers Original: an M C who was master of a lot more than ceremonies. Eight out out 10 cats said they'd stared quizzically at their owner as he/she sang a song about Larsen to themselves at 2.38am on a Saturday morning.

 

In real life he played 18 times for Norway, and had a spell in the Bundesliga with Nuremburg. In this alternate reality, he's right up there with Pele, Maradona and Moukoko.

 

5) Michael Duff (D/DM R)

 

In Fight Club, shortly after his condo is burned to the ground, Ed Norton's character says: "When you buy furniture, you tell yourself, that's it. That's the last sofa I'm gonna need. Whatever else happens, I've got that sofa problem handled." That certainly applied to Michael Duff: once you got him from Cheltenham, usually for as little as £24,000, you knew you wouldn't need another first-choice right-back for the best part of 15 years.

 

The quintessential American male, Mr H Simpson, can't live without Duff; around the turn of the century, the quintessential English male, Mr S B'stard, couldn't live without Michael Duff. He was the model pro. Mr Reliable. Gary Neville without the shop stewardry and bumfluff moustache. Cafu without a free bus pass.

 

He was one of the good guys, too: even when he was playing for England (in real life Duff, now at Burnley, has played 21 times for Northern Ireland) he never asked for more than around 12 large a week. You could fine him four weeks in a row for no other reason than you'd had a bad day at work and had nobody else to take it out on (what do you mean you didn't live alone?) and he wouldn't complain. This was sort of the bloke you'd be happy to see go out with your sister. In fact, even your girlfriend. If only you had one.

 

6) Ibrahima Bakayoko (AM/F C)

 

It was always excruciatingly apparent that those who invested 110% of their free time in a management simulation had long since had a few of their fingers prised away from reality. But Champo Manager could alter perceptions in more insidious ways. During Chelsea's 3-1 win over Barcelona in the Champions League quarter-final of 1999-2000, a friend opined that "I never effing rated Ruud Hesp", only realising the absurdity of the comment when it was pointed out that, away from a dusty, kebab-stained 14-inch PC monitor, he had never previously seen Hesp play.

 

The reverse was true of Ibrahima Bakayoko. When Everton signed him for £4.5m in October 1998, thousands of tragics thought he was a sure thing to succeed. Approximately 0.00% of them had seen his work at Montpellier, and were basing it purely on the fact he was sensational in Championship Manager 1997-98, well worth the £10m+ fee you often had to pay to secure him. Everton paid a less in real life - but on the pitch they got even less: four goals in 23 games.

[Foo]

I actually bought CM2 96/97 edition on ebay....

[Superjay]

Do you know when you haven't thought about something for years then someone mentions it and you get filled full of joy.

 

Tonton Zola Moukoko & Tommy Svindal Larsen have put me in a good mood for the night now.

[Stanley Leisure]

Nigel Clough, Chris Bart Williams, Thomas Zingler, Nii Lamptey were also amazing.

 

Alberto Luque once scored 114 goals in a season for me in CM2.

[Superjay]

In nostalgia mode still. Loaded up Champ Manager 97/98 but cant find TSL or tonton... whats going on??? I know lasen used to be at staebek but hes not listed there.... anyone remember how to expand the name database?

[Florist Cinema Pond Goal]

Kennedy Bakircioglu always a bargain.

[surf]

Mads Jorgenson

Sigporsson

 

00/01 i think

[Tonto]

To Madeira

Stefan Selakovic

[cymrococh]

I'm playing 01/02 at the moment, just sold Tonton as he wasn't cutting it.

 

Sigporsson is rotting in my reserves.

[Kvarme Ate My Food]

in 1999/2000, I had a front 3 of Paul Wheatcroft, David Norris, and someone else; all of whom scored in every single match. Michael Owen always came off the bench and scored, too.

 

Ronaldinho was in centre-mid, and was captain.

[cymrococh]

The annoying thing is, my team is rubbish. I'm in the premiership for the second time with Swansea and each time I get up they really struggle, after p*ssing the lower divisions.

 

Not scoring any goals at the moment with my front 3 of Bobby Zamora/John Hartson, Dirk Kujit(!) and some Bulgarian kid called Urumov who scored sh*tloads in the lower leagues.

[Dominus Maximus]

Peter Prospar....

[Stevie H]

on 97/98 emanuele brioschi scored 24 in a season from left wing-back for me.

 

kim kallstrom was a player as well.

[Knox_Harrington]

Orri Oskarsson.

 

He was a f***ing brute. Twenty for aggression, strength, jumping, heading and stamina. t*** it at him, pick up the bits. Played a network game with a mate. He'd injured three of theirs before half time including breaking Peter Enkleman's ribs. He rang me furious. The CM equivalent of a touchline squaring up between managers.

[Stevie H]

bakayoko was absurdly good on 97/98 wasn't he? i always imagined him looking like some cross between george weah and rashidi yekini, a brutish brick sh*thouse of a player but with the touch of clayderman. then he signed for everton and he turned out to be a crap pathetic pipsqueak of a player.

[Spike]

I once signed some lad from singapore in the 97/98 version, and he banged them in. Can't remember his name for the life of me now but he was boss. Kept Robbie out for a fair few games.

[Gray - YPC]

I know a fair few lads who have played with/against Tonton.

 

He was s**** in real life, and got grief everywhere he played for not living up to the game. Feel a bit sorry for the poor lad.

[Guest Ant]

Kevin Kyle and Cherno Samba

[Hassony]

In FM2008 Jack Hobbs turns into a £20m defender

[Bailo]

Stian Neset from Stromgodset was the best striker ever.

 

And there is little beating the Danny Murphy/Neil Lennon midfield axis, with a Neil Ruddock/Mattias Sammer defence. That Liverpool team won 10 consecutive league titles.

[Stevie H]

In FM2008 Jack Hobbs turns into a £20m defender

i just let him go on a free to man city and paid 18m for ezequiel garay who is a big pussy.

[Hassony]

i just let him go on a free to man city and paid 18m for ezequiel garay who is a big pussy.

 

I had Garay at Celta and he did well for me, but I had to sell him as I needed the money

 

David Amoo is quite good, make sure you keep him

[Stevie H]

I had Garay at Celta and he did well for me, but I had to sell him as I needed the money

 

David Amoo is quite good, make sure you keep him

he's coming on in leaps and bounds that boy. torres is tutoring him and marvin pourie.

 

i already have a song ready for amoo when he breaks into the first team. it's by warren zevon.

[drdooom]

Orri Oskarsson.

 

He was a f***ing brute. Twenty for aggression, strength, jumping, heading and stamina. t*** it at him, pick up the bits. Played a network game with a mate. He'd injured three of theirs before half time including breaking Peter Enkleman's ribs. He rang me furious. The CM equivalent of a touchline squaring up between managers.

 

Orri was a superstar for me in our weekly multiplayer for that season. Him and his fellow icelander Thorarinn Brynjar Kristiansson took Macclesfield to the prem and then Liverpool to the european cup. Orri in the hole with an arrow forward somehow made all the central defenders run out to the wings when the ball was punted in his direction, a rare skill.

[Spike]

I remember getting to season 2017/18 and such was the height of expectation I was gutted if I didn't do a clean sweep of all trophies every season.

 

Fortunately I'm able to separate my own expectations of the FM and real life Liverpool, and thus save myself a small fortune in phoning you're on sky sports as well as stress related medical bills.