The Fiver Awards 2006

[Gilps]

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THE FIVER CHRISTMAS AWARDS 2006

 

Welcome to the sixth Fiver Christmas Awards. Or is it the seventh? Oh, we don't know, but if you just wait behind that velvet rope while Ashley and Cheryl pose for photos, then we can get on with the fun.

 

TEAM OF THE YEAR

 

Few squads can overcome infighting between dressing-room cliques, tabloid kiss-and-tells, a thinly-disguised drinking culture and the loss of a key player sent home in disgrace, and go on to punch above their very light weight at a World Cup. Coleen, Victoria, Abi, Alex, Carly, Elen, Cheryl ... we salute you.

 

 

MANAGER OF THE YEAR

 

We were going to give this to Luis Felipe Scolari, but he refused to accept it as he wasn't comfortable with all the media attention. Second-Choice Steve it is, then.

 

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

 

 

Cristiano Ronaldo. Anyone who can get Tabloid Wayne sent off by forcing him to stamp on Ricardo Carvalho's swingers, before slyly waving an imaginary red card that was so imaginary only $tevie Me and Frank Lampard saw it, must be a bit special.

 

THE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN BEST OF FRIENDS AWARD

 

 

Garth Crooks and Sven-Goran Eriksson. Such was the obsequiousness of the BBC reporter's interview after England's feeble victory over Ecuador that RTE pundit Eamon Dunphy claimed it was "the first time I've seen $ex between two men on the BBC".

 

THE PRESS FREEDOM AWARD FOR BRAVERY IN THE FACE OF JOURNALISTIC DUTY

 

 

Put 100 hacks in a room with a free buffet and they'll pick it clean in seconds. Put 100 in a room with John Terry and not one of them will have the guts to pick over the bones of a contentious sending-off and ask: "So John, what did you say to Ledley King?"

 

BRAZIL 1982 AWARD FOR BEST ATTACKING PERFORMANCE AT A WORLD CUP

 

 

Sven-Goran Eriksson. When asked a long, disjointed question by the Sun's Steven Howard, he cut him in half with a scornful: "Do you write as well as you talk?" Svennis also snapped at the Sunday Mirror's Paul Smith, asking him: "How do you live your life?" When Smith said he was sorry if he'd caused offence, Sven added sarcastically: "You don't upset me." If only England had shown half as much aggression in Germany.

 

THE RUSSELL BRAND AWARD FOR EXCEPTIONAL AMUSEMENT

 

 

Graham Poll. If he wins it twice more, he's off.

 

THE THERE-ARE-NO-EASY-GAMES-AT-THIS-LEVEL AWARD

 

 

Republic of Ireland manager Stan "Steve" Staunton. San Marino are "difficult to break down," he said. "It's just a case of being patient." San Marino had shipped 20 goals in their previous two games.

 

THE LORD HUTTON AWARD FOR SERVICES TO WHITEWASHING

 

 

After nine months, and an inquiry costing £800,000, Lord Stevens still can't name a single agent, manager or club who takes bungs. Alastair Campbell, sign this man up!

 

THE OSCAR DE LA HOYA AWARD FOR ONE-TWO OF THE YEAR

 

 

John Motson: "We have an Abel Xavier lookalike in the crowd."

Mark Lawrenson: "Eh, that is Abel Xavier."

 

 

THE MADAME WHIPLASH AWARD FOR MOST OUTRAGEOUS PUNISHMENT

 

 

Marco Materazzi's two-match ban. His crime? Being on the receiving end of a butt from Zinedine Zidane in the World Cup final.

 

THE JEREMY BEADLE AWARD FOR MERKER OF THE YEAR

 

 

Rio Ferdinand, whose World Cup Wind-Ups featured the defender and his team-mates duping gullible members of the public into believing that England could win Germany 2006, with hilarious consequences.

 

THE BOOKER PRIZE FOR SERVICES TO FOOTBALL LITERATURE

 

 

A vindictive, unauthorised hatchet-job couldn't have portrayed Ashley Cole in a worse light than the player himself did in the self-pitying howl of anguish that was My Defence: Whining, Losing and Scandals on the Road to Germany 2006. Everyone knows what he said in it, but it's still sold fewer than 5,000 copies.

 

THE BAFTA (BALD AND FAT TYNSIDER AWARD)

 

 

Freddy Shepherd. Again.

 

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD

 

 

Stanley Victor Collymore in early October: "A month from today I guarantee I will be able to stand side by side with any striker in the country."

Stanley Victor Collymore today: Sitting side-by-side with Blur bassist Alex James and Ann Summers chief executive Jacqueline Gold in promo pictures for preposterous new reality TV show, The Verdict.

 

EMMELINE PANKHURST AWARD FOR SERVICES TO FEMINISM

 

 

Mike Newell. Railing against institutionalised injustice perpetrated by men against women and advocating the elimination of that injustice by challenging the various structures that legitimise male prerogatives in a given society is all well and good, but it won't get the dishes done.

 

THE DAVID CAMERON AWARD FOR BEING ALL THINGS TO ALL MEN

 

 

With Fifa's presidential elections coming up in 2007, Sepp Blatter displayed a mastery of the art, telling Italian newspapers: "Italy proved that superior skills, teamwork and individual determination are the ingredients that lead to World Cup glory," just days after insisting to an Australian broadcaster that the Sheilaroos had deserved to beat the "cheating" World Cup winners in the last 16.

 

NOTIONS ABOVE THEIR STATION AWARD

 

 

Nigel Reo-Coker, who attempted to convince a judge to overturn a driving ban on the grounds that sulky, out-of-form midfielders playing for clubs in the Premiership's relegation zone are prime targets for assassins and kidnappers, and therefore can't trust chauffeurs.

 

JOHN LESLIE AND MICHAEL BARRYMORE IF I SHOULD FALL FROM GRACE WITH GOD AWARD

 

 

David Beckham. From England skipper and Real Madrid galactico to England outcast and Real Madrid bench-warmer in the time it takes to say: "Thump!"

 

AND FINALLY, THE SIDESHOW BOB WILSON MEMORIAL AWARD FOR SERVICES TO AUTOCUE READING

 

 

Five's Colin Murray, who put in a marathon seven-hour stint anchoring three Euro Vase matches nobody wanted to see, before dashing off to present a radio show nobody wanted to listen to. Napalmed orchards have enjoyed more fruitful days.

[Woodsyla]

Absolute class

[Zoob]

Funny stuff, but the most interesting bit was:

 

THE PRESS FREEDOM AWARD FOR BRAVERY IN THE FACE OF JOURNALISTIC DUTY

 

Put 100 hacks in a room with a free buffet and they'll pick it clean in seconds. Put 100 in a room with John Terry and not one of them will have the guts to pick over the bones of a contentious sending-off and ask: "So John, what did you say to Ledley King?"

 

Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, but for me, this is basically confirming the rumours about what Terry said, and it's a scandal that any top league footballer, let alone the England Captain, could get away with this with nothing more than the 1 match ban for the 2 bookings.

[The Hitman]

Funny stuff, but the most interesting bit was:

Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, but for me, this is basically confirming the rumours about what Terry said, and it's a scandal that any top league footballer, let alone the England Captain, could get away with this with nothing more than the 1 match ban for the 2 bookings.

If you know anything about journalists,you should know that the story is everything.

If Terry said something racist,at least one national would've run the story with it as its front page.There's no evidence for stuff like this,drop it.

[Guest Anders Honoré]

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD

Stanley Victor Collymore in early October: "A month from today I guarantee I will be able to stand side by side with any striker in the country."

Stanley Victor Collymore today: Sitting side-by-side with Blur bassist Alex James and Ann Summers chief executive Jacqueline Gold in promo pictures for preposterous new reality TV show, The Verdict.

 

I wondered what had happened to him after he said that.

[Zoob]

If you know anything about journalists,you should know that the story is everything.

If Terry said something racist,at least one national would've run the story with it as its front page.There's no evidence for stuff like this,drop it.

 

Actually, I know quite a bit about journalists; evidence and truth have little to do with whether or not a story is printed. When it comes to what people may or may not have said, it simply comes down to one person's word against another's or what ever any witnesses may or may not have heard (and would or wouldn't be willing to divulge).

 

I'm sure the reason none of the papers ran it as a front page story, was because without cooperation from people who didn't want to rock the boat, they they feared getting sued.

 

On TV, it looked like Terry's second bookable offence was simply bumping into King. Yet there was no significant protest, either from Terry, nor the other Chelsea players.

 

Fair enough if you think people shouldn't examine the possibility that the England Captain is a racist thug. great

[Stevie H]

If you know anything about journalists,you should know that the story is everything.

If Terry said something racist,at least one national would've run the story with it as its front page.There's no evidence for stuff like this,drop it.

 

i know a lot about journalists and what you have posted there is bobbins.

[StevieC]

i know a lot about journalists and what you have posted there is bobbins.

 

You can't tarnish them all with Kahnee's reputation.

[The Hitman]

i know a lot about journalists and what you have posted there is bobbins.

Tell me why?

If there was any semblance of truth in the story,a paper would've run with it.

Or at least done some serious investigating into Terry and what was said.This would've been the story of the year if true.The type of story that really does SELL papers.

 

These are s***house internet messageboard rumours,no more.

 

Fair enough if you think people shouldn't examine the possibility that the England Captain is a racist thug. great

Where's the evidence for that?

The point is that if there was evidence to examine the possibility that the England Captain is a racist thug,then I'm pretty sure that somebody would've investigated it.

But there isn't.All we have is a player jostling about with another group of players,who happen to be black,and getting sent off.

That's not evidence of racism?!!?

No players came out and said that he used racist comments,so what are you basing this all on?The reason that nobody ran this story was because there was no evidence whatsoever,and they would've been sued if they did run it.And quite rightly.

Edited December 21, 2006 by Pretty Boy

[Stevie H]

Tell me why?

If there was any semblance of truth in the story,a paper would've run with it.

Or at least done some serious investigating into Terry and what was said.This would've been the story of the year if true.The type of story that really does SELL papers.

 

These are s***house internet messageboard rumours,no more.

 

 

because players have very highly-paid lawyers and newspapers are regularly threatened and slapped with injunctions to prevent them from publishing certain stories.

 

only a tiny percentage of what is known about footballers gets published.

[Zoob]

Tell me why?

If there was any semblance of truth in the story,a paper would've run with it.

Or at least done some serious investigating into Terry and what was said.This would've been the story of the year if true.The type of story that really does SELL papers.

 

These are s***house internet messageboard rumours,no more.

Where's the evidence for that?

The point is that if there was evidence to examine the possibility that the England Captain is a racist thug,then I'm pretty sure that somebody would've investigated it.

But there isn't.All we have is a player jostling about with another group of players,who happen to be black,and getting sent off.

That's not evidence of racism?!!?

 

No players came out and said that he used racist comments,so what are you basing this all on?The reason that nobody ran this story was because there was no evidence whatsoever,and they would've been sued if they did run it.And quite rightly.

 

Without proof, any national paper printing the story would risk being sued, and there are many types of story that would sell papers but are not run for fear of legal action, or because lawyers get injunctions preventing publication. Furthermore, the whole issue would open up a can of worms that people simply don't want to open. Compared to many other countries, the UK doesn't have a particularly big problem with racism, but that's not to say it doesn't exist, and can't exist on a football field (unless it's Jonny foreigner being racist to black players).

 

Ledley King certainly wouldn't want to risk his England career by calling the national team captain a racist, and if any other players did hear what was said, they would probably want to avoid getting entangled in such a mess, particularly if it just came down to one person's word against anothers. I would suggest that this is why no player came out and said Terry had been racist. However, 'The Voice' newspaper, did run the story, (which was then mentioned - with no big banner headlines - by one of the daily nationals), and were not threatened with legal action.

 

And in terms of the actual incident; Terry was sent off for 'ungentlemanly conduct'. If he really was booked a second time for jostling with players in the box, there would have been much higher levels of complaining by Maureen, Terry and his team mates (who aren't adverse to moaning about decisions going against them).

[jimmylibel]

Tell me why?

If there was any semblance of truth in the story,a paper would've run with it.

Or at least done some serious investigating into Terry and what was said.This would've been the story of the year if true.The type of story that really does SELL papers.

 

These are s***house internet messageboard rumours,no more.

Where's the evidence for that?

The point is that if there was evidence to examine the possibility that the England Captain is a racist thug,then I'm pretty sure that somebody would've investigated it.

But there isn't.All we have is a player jostling about with another group of players,who happen to be black,and getting sent off.

That's not evidence of racism?!!?

No players came out and said that he used racist comments,so what are you basing this all on?The reason that nobody ran this story was because there was no evidence whatsoever,and they would've been sued if they did run it.And quite rightly.

 

Does it matter if the rumours were true or not? The point was that there were rumours flying around, which the media were aware of and not one of them had the bottle to even ask Terry a question about them.

 

Poor display by the fourth estate.

[Ripley]

I'd like to think that the Abel Xavier remark was the moment the BBC finally realised that Motty is not some sort of national treasure but a senile chuckling buffoon and the sidelining that seems to be in progress.

 

Does it matter if the rumours were true or not? The point was that there were rumours flying around, which the media were aware of and not one of them had the bottle to even ask Terry a question about them.

 

Poor display by the fourth estate.

 

And that, indeed, is the whole point.

 

Rumours abound. Journalists ask questions about them. Those being asked then confirm, deny or stonewall.

 

That's the way it works.

[johngibo YPC]

I'd like to think that the Abel Xavier remark was the moment the BBC finally realised that Motty is not some sort of national treasure but a senile chuckling buffoon and the sidelining that seems to be in progress.

And that, indeed, is the whole point.

 

Rumours abound. Journalists ask questions about them. Those being asked then confirm, deny or stonewall.

 

That's the way it works.

 

would we want a journalist asking Gerrard about his rumours?

[Guest PaulMcC]

would we want a journalist asking Gerrard about his rumours?

 

Gerrard was aked by a load of national journalists to stop and give them an interview in that mixed area, where journalists and players meet, at Anfield. Gerrard told them all to f*** off cos of the rumours that were going about.

[johngibo YPC]

Gerrard was aked by a load of national journalists to stop and give them an interview in that mixed area, where journalists and players meet, at Anfield. Gerrard told them all to f*** off cos of the rumours that were going about.

 

Are you sure it wasn't because he's a moody c***?

[Spike]

would we want a journalist asking Gerrard about his rumours?

 

Difference is that they were to do with his personal life. Not in the national interest like exposing the england captain as a racist and all the various connotations that has is it?

 

anyway catinhat and steve have it pretty much nailed on. I'll hopefully find out what went on come boxing day

[Ombudsam]

is Terry coming to your house for dinner

[Paddy 66]

Is the first time i've heard these Terry the racist thug is on this thread. Bit embarrassing that as a forum we are fuelling the fires of a stupid rumour.

[Guest PaulMcC]

Are you sure it wasn't because he's a moody c***?

 

No, he said to them, ''f*** off, you think I'm gonna give you an interview after the s*** yous are spreading about my family.'' It wa steh same time Bascobe took the ''A load of b******s'' quote about the rumours he was leaving.

 

Something along those lines. Someone in my mates work was there.