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The Fiver Awards 2006


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THE FIVER CHRISTMAS AWARDS 2006

 

Welcome to the sixth Fiver Christmas Awards. Or is it the seventh? Oh, we don't know, but if you just wait behind that velvet rope while Ashley and Cheryl pose for photos, then we can get on with the fun.

 

TEAM OF THE YEAR

 

Few squads can overcome infighting between dressing-room cliques, tabloid kiss-and-tells, a thinly-disguised drinking culture and the loss of a key player sent home in disgrace, and go on to punch above their very light weight at a World Cup. Coleen, Victoria, Abi, Alex, Carly, Elen, Cheryl ... we salute you.

 

 

MANAGER OF THE YEAR

 

We were going to give this to Luis Felipe Scolari, but he refused to accept it as he wasn't comfortable with all the media attention. Second-Choice Steve it is, then.

 

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

 

 

Cristiano Ronaldo. Anyone who can get Tabloid Wayne sent off by forcing him to stamp on Ricardo Carvalho's swingers, before slyly waving an imaginary red card that was so imaginary only $tevie Me and Frank Lampard saw it, must be a bit special.

 

THE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN BEST OF FRIENDS AWARD

 

 

Garth Crooks and Sven-Goran Eriksson. Such was the obsequiousness of the BBC reporter's interview after England's feeble victory over Ecuador that RTE pundit Eamon Dunphy claimed it was "the first time I've seen $ex between two men on the BBC".

 

THE PRESS FREEDOM AWARD FOR BRAVERY IN THE FACE OF JOURNALISTIC DUTY

 

 

Put 100 hacks in a room with a free buffet and they'll pick it clean in seconds. Put 100 in a room with John Terry and not one of them will have the guts to pick over the bones of a contentious sending-off and ask: "So John, what did you say to Ledley King?"

 

BRAZIL 1982 AWARD FOR BEST ATTACKING PERFORMANCE AT A WORLD CUP

 

 

Sven-Goran Eriksson. When asked a long, disjointed question by the Sun's Steven Howard, he cut him in half with a scornful: "Do you write as well as you talk?" Svennis also snapped at the Sunday Mirror's Paul Smith, asking him: "How do you live your life?" When Smith said he was sorry if he'd caused offence, Sven added sarcastically: "You don't upset me." If only England had shown half as much aggression in Germany.

 

THE RUSSELL BRAND AWARD FOR EXCEPTIONAL AMUSEMENT

 

 

Graham Poll. If he wins it twice more, he's off.

 

THE THERE-ARE-NO-EASY-GAMES-AT-THIS-LEVEL AWARD

 

 

Republic of Ireland manager Stan "Steve" Staunton. San Marino are "difficult to break down," he said. "It's just a case of being patient." San Marino had shipped 20 goals in their previous two games.

 

THE LORD HUTTON AWARD FOR SERVICES TO WHITEWASHING

 

 

After nine months, and an inquiry costing £800,000, Lord Stevens still can't name a single agent, manager or club who takes bungs. Alastair Campbell, sign this man up!

 

THE OSCAR DE LA HOYA AWARD FOR ONE-TWO OF THE YEAR

 

 

John Motson: "We have an Abel Xavier lookalike in the crowd."

Mark Lawrenson: "Eh, that is Abel Xavier."

 

 

THE MADAME WHIPLASH AWARD FOR MOST OUTRAGEOUS PUNISHMENT

 

 

Marco Materazzi's two-match ban. His crime? Being on the receiving end of a butt from Zinedine Zidane in the World Cup final.

 

THE JEREMY BEADLE AWARD FOR MERKER OF THE YEAR

 

 

Rio Ferdinand, whose World Cup Wind-Ups featured the defender and his team-mates duping gullible members of the public into believing that England could win Germany 2006, with hilarious consequences.

 

THE BOOKER PRIZE FOR SERVICES TO FOOTBALL LITERATURE

 

 

A vindictive, unauthorised hatchet-job couldn't have portrayed Ashley Cole in a worse light than the player himself did in the self-pitying howl of anguish that was My Defence: Whining, Losing and Scandals on the Road to Germany 2006. Everyone knows what he said in it, but it's still sold fewer than 5,000 copies.

 

THE BAFTA (BALD AND FAT TYNSIDER AWARD)

 

 

Freddy Shepherd. Again.

 

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD

 

 

Stanley Victor Collymore in early October: "A month from today I guarantee I will be able to stand side by side with any striker in the country."

Stanley Victor Collymore today: Sitting side-by-side with Blur bassist Alex James and Ann Summers chief executive Jacqueline Gold in promo pictures for preposterous new reality TV show, The Verdict.

 

EMMELINE PANKHURST AWARD FOR SERVICES TO FEMINISM

 

 

Mike Newell. Railing against institutionalised injustice perpetrated by men against women and advocating the elimination of that injustice by challenging the various structures that legitimise male prerogatives in a given society is all well and good, but it won't get the dishes done.

 

THE DAVID CAMERON AWARD FOR BEING ALL THINGS TO ALL MEN

 

 

With Fifa's presidential elections coming up in 2007, Sepp Blatter displayed a mastery of the art, telling Italian newspapers: "Italy proved that superior skills, teamwork and individual determination are the ingredients that lead to World Cup glory," just days after insisting to an Australian broadcaster that the Sheilaroos had deserved to beat the "cheating" World Cup winners in the last 16.

 

NOTIONS ABOVE THEIR STATION AWARD

 

 

Nigel Reo-Coker, who attempted to convince a judge to overturn a driving ban on the grounds that sulky, out-of-form midfielders playing for clubs in the Premiership's relegation zone are prime targets for assassins and kidnappers, and therefore can't trust chauffeurs.

 

JOHN LESLIE AND MICHAEL BARRYMORE IF I SHOULD FALL FROM GRACE WITH GOD AWARD

 

 

David Beckham. From England skipper and Real Madrid galactico to England outcast and Real Madrid bench-warmer in the time it takes to say: "Thump!"

 

AND FINALLY, THE SIDESHOW BOB WILSON MEMORIAL AWARD FOR SERVICES TO AUTOCUE READING

 

 

Five's Colin Murray, who put in a marathon seven-hour stint anchoring three Euro Vase matches nobody wanted to see, before dashing off to present a radio show nobody wanted to listen to. Napalmed orchards have enjoyed more fruitful days.

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