From the Guardian's Fiver: WHITEWATCH Police in Cheshire have been placed on high alert following reports that the county is becoming a hive of perfectly harmless day-to-day activity by law-abiding individuals with black skin. Fears that persons of non-Caucasian appearance may be permitted to go about their business free of groundless persecution have been growing in recent years and it is believed that some law enforcers have resolved to act decisively to reassure white-thinkin' folk that we'll have none of this filthy Obama cant in these parts thank you very much. Nevertheless, niggardly traditionalists have demanded greater vigilance following news that Everton striker Victor Anichebe, a wealthy man with provocatively black features, today escaped without so much as a lynching having been caught red-handed engaging in the sort of innocent window-shopping regularly enjoyed by millions of white people across the region. In an astonishing admission, police revealed that the 20-year-old was not even arrested after being spotted outside a Knutsford jewellers, looking at jewels. All the officers who responded to the alarm raised by CCTV operators did was rush to the scene, enter a "heated dialogue" with Anichebe and his suspiciously black friend, and bang a pair of handcuffs on one of them, who was probably darker than the other. "Police attended the location within minutes and upon speaking with the two men, a heated dialogue developed in an attempt to ascertain exactly what the two persons were doing outside the jeweller's premises," snapped a police statement. "During the course of this exchange, an officer took the decision to restrain one of the two men concerned by applying handcuffs. It was subsequently ascertained that there was no criminal conduct whatsoever on behalf of the two men concerned and they were in no way involved in any criminal activity." An Everton spokesman, Ian Ross, replied: "Victor was deeply upset and very distressed by the incident. I believe he is still waiting for a full and unreserved apology from the police involved. Once he has received that, both the club and the player will consider the matter closed." Cue the Sky Sports Yellow Breaking News Ticker at 4.25pm: "tor Anichebe following incident outside jewellers ... Cheshire police apologise to Vic".
