"Maddie Sighted Every Twelve Seconds"

[Kahnee]

Missing Toddler "Seen In More Places Than Starbucks"

 

The frequency that abductee of hearts Madeleine McCann is being sighted is increasing every day, says media person Jose Ebbsfleet. According to the unemployed pipefitter and part-time media commentator she is currently spotted more often than Elvis and Kurt Cobain combined and is set to become the most-sighted actually-dead person in Europe by late August.

 

"When she first went missing, people would report having seen her once every two days" said Ebbsfleet "With the obvious exception of her parents, who haven't seen her since they dumped her body..."(the next part of Ebbsfleet's statement was removed after a request from Kate & Gerry McCann's increasingly-busy lawyers). "But Maddie is currently being spotted once every twelve seconds. We can only assumed she has cracked the art of space and time travel to be in all these places at once."

 

However, if the rate of Maddie's sightings continue at their current rate, by Christmas there could be a tipping point where the toddler could be the only thing people see wherever they look. "Remember that scene in Being John Malkovich" asked Ebbsfleet "Where he goes into the restaurant and everyone looks like John Malkovich? Come Christmas, it's going to be like that, only with Maddies wherever you look."

Ebbsfleet closed with a chilling warning. "By the middle of 2009, the world's population will be effectively blind. Whenever anybody opens their eyes, all they will see is the missing toddler being led away by some swarthy foreign types..."

 

I also like:

 

“Eat My Fluffy Waste” Says Chief Exec

 

After posting profits of £58 per second for 2008 just days after raising their prices by 35%, British Gas-owned Centrica have sent an explanatory letter to every customer in the UK wrapped around a freshly-laid human cable.

 

The letter, written by Centrica Chief Executive Piper Ebbsfleet, says:

 

“Dear Customer*

We understand there has been some concern** over our 35% price increases in light of the publicised profits made by Centrica this year.***

We would like to assure all our customers that the price increases were unavoidable and that your continued custom is appreciated.****

You will have found enclosed in the envelope a freshly-wrapped chunk of my digestion. We would ask all customers to carefully unwrap the parcel, pop it in a microwave for thirty seconds, then BITE DOWN ON MY f***ING s***, YOU WORMS! EAT IT! EAT ALL OF IT! SCUM! YOU’RE ALL SCUM & I’LL CHARGE YOU WHAT THE c*** I LIKE! AAAAHAHAHAAA!!!”

 

Yours, with respect

 

Piper Ebbsfleet

Chief Executive

Centrica

 

 

*f***horse

** Sheer, carpet-biting fury

***Your hard-earned money paying for our coke, whores and cokewhores. Ha!

****Actually, we’d like to bitchslap each of you with a socket spanner, you worthless swine. Try and get gas somewhere else. Go on, I’ll wait. Dig a f***ing well in your back garden for all the good it will do you.

 

Consumer group Energywatch has described Ebbsfleet’s response as “disappointing” and some Centrica customers feel their grievances are not being taken into consideration.

 

One Knutsford man, who wished to remain nameless, said “I’m a pensioner and I struggle to pay my gas bills. I phoned them the other week to complain and I was expecting an explanation. Not some sweetcorn-ridden lump with streaks of blood in it.”

 

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[McBain]

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