Derby Bingo

[Cunny]

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/liverpool-f...00252-20687629/

 

It’s time to play ... DERBY BINGO!

Mar 28 2008 by Greg O'Keeffe and Paddy Shennan, Liverpool Echo

 

This Sunday’s 207th Merseyside derby could be more fraught than ever, with both sides slugging it out for... fourth place (albeit an extremely lucrative Champions League position). Paddy Shennan and Greg O’Keeffe invite you to enjoy a spot of light relief – and a fun new game – with their cut out and keep guide to the big day

 

EYES down (if you can bear to watch) ... it’s time to play Merseyside Derby Bingo!

 

We may not be able to predict the result of this weekend’s eagerly-awaited – or should that be dreaded? – Liverpool v Everton clash, but certain things are bound to be said and done at Anfield this Sunday, and in homes and pubs across Merseyside.

 

So here’s your cut-out and keep guide for a bit of bingo fun – a new game you can all play at home or, if you are lucky or unlucky enough to have a ticket, in the ground.

 

It’s always a tense occasion but, in a bid to bring a bit of lightness to what has become an increasingly serious and, sadly, fractious fixture, let’s at least try to have a bit of a laugh at ourselves. And our teams.

 

But, er, sorry, there’ll be no prizes for a full house.

 

1Sky Sports’ presenter Richard Keys will invite Jamie Redknapp and Andy Gray to go on and on and on and on and on and on about the difficult task facing referee Howard Webb, in the light of the current debate on player dissent – and Mark Clattenburg’s controversial performance in this season’s Goodison derby.

 

2At some stage, Keys will say, in his most serious Let’s-really- hype-this-one-to-the-heavens voice: “They don’t come much bigger than this!” Or: “Jamie/Andy, you’ve played in these games, tell us (looks earnestly directly into the camera because, hey, he really wants us to feel involved) what are they like?”

 

3Co-commentator Andy Gray – if fit to report for work after losing the plot during last weekend’s Man U-Liverpool game (do you reckon Redknapp thought he was going to punch him?) – will begin a shouted sentence with “I’ll tell yer what ...” and/or make at least one thinly-veiled dig at referees in general, perhaps even dragging Steve Bennett’s name into his dreary monologue.

 

4Evertonians in the Anfield Road End will be spotted waving American flags in an “ironic” and “amusing” way.

 

5Liverpudlians on the Kop will be spotted waving Tesco carrier bags in an “ironic” and “amusing” way.

 

6Liverpudlians will be heard singing about Everton being “a small club in Kirkby”.

 

7Evertonians will be heard singing “Spot the Scouser on the Kop”.

 

8Liverpudlians on the Kop will unfurl a banner at half-time, which says “One City. One Club ... One Sugar, Please!” Or something like that.

 

9Evertonians will unfurl a banner which says “LFC: Made in Liverpool ... and America ... and Dubai”. Or something like that.

 

10Something for the ladies (and hairdressers and fashion victims) ... comments will be made at the ground and in pubs and homes across Merseyside about one or all of the following: Steven Pienaar’s girlie pigtails (if sporting them), Steven Gerrard’s “Tintin”-style tuft, Mikel Arteta’s “Brylcreem-style” sheen and ŠFernando Torres’ girlie hairband.

 

11During the build-up, Sky cameras will constantly cut to two fans sat next to each other wearing red and blue shirts. Cue ad infinitum references to “mixed families” and the mythical “friendly derby”. At the final whistle the cameras will cut back to find one of them, head in hands, fighting back tears.

 

12One or more of the fired-up local lads will get a very early yellow card for a tackle that should come with a health and safety warning. He could also risk an early bath after getting carried away by the occasion (keep your eyes on Reds Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher and Blues Tony Hibbert and Leon Osman).

 

13Regardless of how many frustrating stoppages and furtive minutes have been gobbled up by anxious physios patching up their team’s talisman, the referee will still enrage one set of fans (and delight the others) by merely adding the standard three minutes of derby match injury time.

 

14Normally placid suburban streets will become seething hotbeds of tension and mistrust with atmospheres to match Beirut, as partisan neighbours goad one another by banging on the walls when their team scores. Cue thousands of overly worked-up armchair referees being told to “Calm down” and “Grow up” by nonplussed partners.

 

15Despite both sides flying high in the Premier League and enjoying recent good form, radio ‘phone-in lines will be jammed by sozzled, morose and melancholic misery-moos demanding the instant sacking of their losing manager: “I’ve been saying it (to myself) for years, but today was the final straw. Benitez/Moyes has got to go!”

 

So that’s that, then. Monday morning won’t come fast enough if your team wins – but won’t bear thinking about if your team loses.

 

How about a draw then?

[Guest thefly]

i think the jackpot will go to someone who has:

 

1) it will be a 0-0 draw

 

2) at least one player will be sent off

[Bigal]

11 is a good call, there was a set of them at goodison this season. They werent proper fans though, it showed them just after Kuyt had scored and he wasnt jumping all over them in a Keown V van nistelrooj fashion

[ManxRed]

A better idea would be to have a card with seven or eight random players names on (from both teams) and cross them off as they get booked. First one to fill the card in shouts 'house'.

[MarkD]

Jamie will dress like an 80's Top Shop model and sit with his legs as wide apart as possible.

 

If/when Torres scores, Andy Gray will say to Martin Tyler - "IF Rafa had played him earlier in the season, they would have been closer to the top".

 

Steven Gerrard will get MOM

[Hassony]

Carra will give(or be lucky not to give) a penalty

[Billy Dane]

How long will it take for Jamie Redknapp to crowbar Chelsea into the pre-match talk?

[Cobs]

'form goes out of the window'

[theredfella]

"Do the foreigners know what this game means to the fans?"

 

They said it enough last week so it should be a nap.

[MarkD]

Camera pans from Monkey Man to Andy Gray in pre-match build up.

 

Monkey Man - " Andy, what are your thoughts on today's game?"

 

Andy -(wearing 80's style blue and white flat cap and very tight Hafnia-sponsored shirt) - and morphing into KK- " I'll tell you something, Keysy, after the b******ing I got last week for sticking up Mascherano, I'd love it if we beat them today, absolutely love it."

 

Monkey Man - "After the break, the top 100 goals scored against Liverpool"

 

Well, that's what some people might see/hear.

[Kahnee]

How long will it take for Jamie Redknapp to crowbar Chelsea into the pre-match talk?

Depends how long it takes him to breathe in