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Tower:"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o 'clock, 6 miles!"


Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"




Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."


TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can

we make up here?"


Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when

it hits a 727?"




From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue.....


Unknown Pilot: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify

yourself immediately!"

Unknown Pilot: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"




O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your

traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."


United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.....

i've got the little Fokker in sight."




A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly

long roll out after touching down.......


San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn

at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not

able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right

at the lights and return to the airport."




Tower:"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,contact Departure

on frequency 124.7"


Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By

the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal

on the far end of the runway."


Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report

from Eastern 702?"


BR Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,

roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified

our caterers."




One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to

hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8

landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the

Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on

the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it

all by yourself?"


The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came

back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another

landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."




While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US

Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and

came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground

controller lashed out at the US Air crew.....


Controller (screaming): "US Air 2771, where the hell are you

going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You

turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult

for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew..............


Controller (shouting hysterically): "God! Now you've screwed

everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay

right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect

progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I

want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,

and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"


"Yes, ma'am!" the humbled crew responded.


Naturally, the ground control communications frequency

fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air

2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground

controller in herc urrent state of mind. Tension in every

cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed

his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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