Nonsense. It'll be pretty much like this: 1 min: We win the toss, by miles. They'll kick off, playing towards the Kop. The ball is rolled back to Lampard. Xabi slides in, easily winning the ball, and breaking both Lampards' ankles with his trailing leg. Lampard booked for diving. 2 mins: GOAL - Xabi takes the free kick himself, and scores. Another overpaid, odious t*** of some description is brought on to take Lampard's place. 8 mins GOAL - The ball is rolled to Essien. Xabi slides in, easily winning the ball, and killing Essien stone dead with a withering stare. The referee plays advantage, Xabi sprays the ball wide to Pennant, who crosses for Crouch. Crouch heads straight at Cech, killing him instantly.The referee plays advantage, and Bellamy taps in from two yards out. 10 mins: Mourinho sent off for being hit by a coin from the stands. 16 mins: GOAL - Kuyt scores from 30 yards with a curling drive. 25 mins: Sissoko tackles Shevchenko, who begins crying in the centre circle. The Chelsea physios are unable to console him, despite liberal application of the magic lollipop and offers of a yacht, and Shevchenko goes home. 32 mins: John Terry's mum seen acting suspiciously in the Kop. TV coverage momentarily censored. 44 minutes: Ashely Cole taken off after suffering curious lower-body spasms. Half time, Liverpool 3-0 up, Chelsea down to nine overpaid t***s. 45 mins - GOAL - Liverpool kick off, towards the Kop. The ball is chipped to Gerrard, who scores with a looping volley over Hilario. Paolo Ferreira is sacrificed to the gods of football on a large fire in the centre circle as part of the celebrations. Mourinho attempts to join in, and is again removed from the field by police. 57 Mins - GOAL - Sissoko opens his Liverpool account, winning the ball from Carvalho on the edge of the 'D' and hitting a low drive into the bottom left hand corner. 58 mins - Carvalho removes shirt to reveal "PETER KENYON IS A b*****d" t-shirt, and is booked. 65 mins - GOAL - Steve Finnan scores direct from a cross. And why not, he's a nice lad. 80 mins - Liverpool are keeping the ball, easing off the pressure. Carvalho receives second yellow for name calling and bad hair. 89 mins - GOAL - Reina comes forward for a late corner. Chelsea clear the corner and Robben breaks away towards the Liverpool goal. Reina pursues, tackles him and jumps repeatedly on his head. The referee issues a stern warning. The free kick goes straight to Agger, who scores from 85 yards with a left foot curler. FULL TIME - A comprehensive victory for Liverpol, against a Chelsea team whose discipline let them down.