Pilonidal Sinus

Duncan Disorderly · March 14, 2007

Loads of punters were ringing the Gerry Ryan show on RTE today talking about cysts and boils, but then the subject got onto pilonidal sinus.

Now, if you`re not sure what this particular ailment is and you are of a squeamish disposition, I should read no further.

Apart from just being a pussy mass below the skin caused by inverted hair-growth which can happen anywhere on the body, such as on the face for men in particular, the main gist of the show`s thread was about massive, pustular, carbuncle-type growths at the extreme tail-end of the spine; basically right at your anus!

Before you puke with laughter, let me describe one of these nasty wee feckers from personal experience and in gory and minute detail.

Being on the rather hirsuit side, I developed a pilonidal sinus over a period of time, but due to its obviously embarassing position, I refrained from attending the doctor to have it investigated properly. It came to the point that even the slightest touch would cause a frightful seepage, but the worst and; ironically; the best(due to the relief) was when it was squeezed.

Imagine, if you will, laying one of those plastic, foil-topped custard tubs on the ground and squashing it with your foot?

Couple that thought with the idea of immediately relieving a severe case of Chalfonts along with finally reaching that intolerable itch, which has been covered for the past 6 wks by a plaster-cast, and you are only some way to understanding what it can be like.

The solution?-I finally went to the doc, who refered me straight away to have the op. A nurse had to defoliate my rather hairy and puss-infected crevasse with a cheap, yellow and white Bic razor. She was patently embarassed by this unfortunate situation; involving my good self bent over a sturdy NHS bed; so to lighten the tension I said: "Well, you wouldn`t get this in McGuire`s!"(a local barber`s, mainly for boxers looking a no.1)

Next thing I knew, I was wisked down to theatre, put under, then woke up to find a cotton-wool, lemon soaked lollipop shoved into my mouth.

A full recovery was gained; thanks for asking; but the ailment returned a couple of years later. Not to the same extent, thankfully, and this time it was an epidural, which started going badly wrong at first. I was becoming extremely faint and the anaesthetist was starting to panic! But then my legs went numb and there I was, lying face down, talking to the OR staff while having my cheeks parted and poked at.

Anyway, that evening I was doped up on morphine, watching some FA Cup match; Spurs vs Leeds I think, with Ginola playing sublimely; and I was in heaven, watching beautiful football and being tended by beautiful nurses.

It was so good, when asked the next day if I needed more morphine; even though the pain was more than bearable; I opted for the delicious high!

And there ends another sermon from Dark Matter.

Ostrich Man · March 14, 2007

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