Taken From Scallywag from Toecutters Everton sucking up to the Arabs -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Kenwright today called a press conference to announce that former Iraqi diplomat Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf will be hired as new spokesman of Everton FC for the rest of the coming season. Al-Sahaf, better known as Comical Ali during the invasion of Iraq for his absurd statements to the press about the nature of the war is believed to have been hired to enhance Everton's popularity in the Arab states and Mr. Kenwright himself said "it is important that we give fans the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth with regards to the dealings of Everton Football Club;" this despite Comical Ali's previous claim during the allied invasion of Iraq that American troops were turning to suicide out of fear. Journalists were keen to ask Comical Ali some questions regarding his role as spokesman and the man in question was only happy to oblige. "I have joined the most powerful club in world football," boasted Ali, "Everton are a respected name in world football and the names of Kevin Ratcliffe, Barry Horne and Ian Snodin are household names in Iraq. The devotion that many Iraqs felt for Everton can be found in the fact that there was public outcry in the streets of Baghdad when Saddam Hussein, after much thought, decided against changing the capital's name to Al-Southall." "I have joined the club of the people and I am here to serve the people," Ali continued, "we have no need to worry about Liverpool supporters at all because they are all infadels and it is common knowledge, even in Iraq, that Anfield is full of day trippers from Croydon and Milton Keynes." Ali was also quick to reassure fans about the true extent of Andy Johnson's injury. "AJ will be fit for the next game, I guarantee," he continued, "why only this morning, AJ was wrestling a bear to prove his fitness to David Moyes and everyone knows that Everton players are the fittest around. They'd have to be to pass the famed Everton medical, failed by weaklings such as Mikael Forssell, Craig Bellamy, Scott Parker and Emre. Only supreme athletes like Alan Stubbs can wear the blue shirt. We are a special club." Ali was also quick to talk about outside investment entering the club. "I have already contacted a number of wealthy Arab benefactors and I have been assurred that a cheque is in the post with which to sign Ronaldinho to fill the void on the left side left by Kevin Kilbane," assurred Ali to the gathered media, "and I can also confirm that the plans for a stadium are back on track and despite being begged by David Moores and Rick Parry, we will not be sharing with the red infadels and as the master club in the city, we oppose the idea of a groundshare put forward by Liverpool." Evertonians seemed excited about Ali's promises especially when he disclosed information of new merchandise available for Everton. "I have spoke to the retail department and a DVD is in the process of getting made to commemorate our glorious win over Bolton the other week with an extended interview with Mikel Arteta, who after a lengthy discussion with the Spanish FA, will be in the next Spain squad," said Ali, "and despite concerns by fans, the adverts for match tickets and half-season tickets placed on Radio City are not due to poor crowds, rather to make red infadels jealous as they can't match the support we have." Ali even spoke a title challenge next year and a European Cup win on the cards in the future. It seems that Evertonians are genuinely excited by Ali's arrival and many inside the club feel it will mark an exciting new chapter for the club
