Viz readers' letters

[cymrococh]

Bought Viz for the first time in years to read with my lunch and the readers' letters were up the usual standard.

 

My favourite one was:

"Who do birds think they are? Swanning off in winter and then coming crawling back in summer when it suits them. I tell them to f*ck off whn I see them."

[Ostrich Man]

i think

 

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? So what? My mum's 97!

 

remains my fave

[Bigal]

the Dr Dre one is my favourite

 

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Edited August 31, 2012 by Bigal

[Ostrich Man]

aye f***ing brilliant that as is

 

Dear Sirs

 

I'm unemployed at the moment and have just finished my fourth w*** this morning.

 

It's starting to hurt but I couldn't be happier.

[kop205]

"One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania" says Oxfam.

 

So how come Northern Water charges me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds!!!

[cymrococh]

My all time favourite is between The Dr Dre one above and

 

Dear sirs I have recently started becoming aroused by images of Wee Jimmy Crankie.

As a result, I can't tell if I'm straight, gay or a paedophile.

Can your readers help?

[Ostrich Man]

f*** it...just start sticking them all up....

 

 

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a

billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more

harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough

 

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain

healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.

What's healthy about that?

Mark J, Barnsley

 

i'd forgotten the genius of:

 

FAT partygoers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don`t sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet.

[Cobs]

I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If

anything they start asking me for more money.

Ian Sertname, Brighton le Sands

[Ostrich Man]

What a load of rubbish these modern so-called comedy programmes are these days. They are usually full of swearing and filth and are just not funny. What ever happened to proper comedies, like the one set in that shop with the s***-stabber and the woman with the blue hair who was always always talking about her c*nt?

Mabel Cuxwold

[JRC]

Years on, I still laugh at an 'article' on a new Celebrity Porn show planned by the BBC (frighteningly, it doesn't sound as far fetched as it did at the time). The last paragraph was -

 

A BBC spokesman insisted that it would be tasteful - "The rules are clear - no pop shots, flap shots or pan handles."

[Ostrich Man]

In one of her songs Adele asks the question 'Should I keep walking pavements?' My answer would be yes. In fact she might consider breaking into a jog as she goes past the pie shops

[ChrisC]

Everyone is always very quick to point the finger at paedophile priests. But in all fairness, surely half the blame should be on the ten-year-old boys for being just so damned sexy.

[Ostrich Man]

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy

[Senrab_nhoj]

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

[D.Boon]

In one of her songs Adele asks the question 'Should I keep walking pavements?' My answer would be yes. In fact she might consider breaking into a jog as she goes past the pie shops

 

 

Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

[Cobs]

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I

know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard, Hull .

[Ostrich Man]

PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for

indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis,

dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.

T Harpic, London

 

I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam.

 

 

 

People who say that relaxing the licencing laws will lead to to an increase in violence should look at the figures. The present opening hours were intoduced in 1914, and were followed by 4 years of fighting in which millions of people were killed.

Audrey Potter, Chelmsford

[StevieC]

I'm glad British Gas have spent millions hiring well known personalities like Burt Reynold's and Joan Collins to promote their monopolised services.

 

Of course, I run my gas cooker on f***ing Duracell batteries.

[Ostrich Man]

Ten years ago my wife bugged me to take her on a Round-the-World cruise. "We'll always have the memories" she said. Now she has altzheimers and can't remember what she had for breakfast this morning. What a waste of 10 grand that was.

 

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

[Cobs]

What a con these so called Liverpool Derby matches are. Derby never even take part. Is it any wonder Liverpool are always top of the League? [i remember that one from the late 80s ]

Edited August 31, 2012 by Cobs

[Cobs]

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

[Swan Red]

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

 

hmm

[Cobs]

hmm

 

 

?

[Swan Red]

...

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

 

 

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

 

I thought it would be clear

[Cobs]

I thought it would be clear

 

 

HA! missed it

 

 

twice !!!