Viz's Letters

[DazzlaJ]

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are

moving to India. I'm so excited!

I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll

be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the

good work.

Charles Turner

 

 

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved

one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some

chocolate!"

The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a

flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story

straight.

 

T Potter

 

 

I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it

would be largely pointless.

Mike Potts

 

 

 

Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging'

who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds

up.

Christina Martin

 

 

 

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shaaat the bed.

What's healthy about that?

Mark J, Barnsley

 

 

 

AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have

banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just

wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.

Zak Cassidy, e-mail

 

 

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older"

when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another

one's erse:

I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

Joe McKeown

 

 

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can

testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer

 

 

ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of

her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the

couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to

the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had

mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step

and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website

www.heathermillsmccartney com, or perhaps when she sold her life story

to the News of the World in 1993.

Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live

her life out of the constant glare of publicity.

A Cherry, Leeds

 

 

PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging

in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they

are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It

wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in

car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where

credit is due.

 

T Harpic, London

 

 

 

THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a

teaching post is, how crap must the other people at the interview have

been?

T Thorne, London

 

 

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their

attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA

outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

 

 

THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. **********!

I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find

the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.

Ashley Smith

 

 

I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted

wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise

move.

 

Martin Mannion

 

 

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

 

 

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just

like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's

minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

P Lorimer, Leeds

 

 

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board

cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to

make than this?

Alun Daniel

 

 

My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is

completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll

get up to next.

J Barratt, Nottingham

 

 

 

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I

was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the

lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the

poor sod's face told a different story.

Tommo, Hull

 

 

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the

world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

[Stevie H]

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[stressederic]

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[Kahnee]

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