Coping.

[Redray]

Father passed away after a lengthy illness at beginning of month.. Guess i've come to terms with it in respect to acceptance but just cant seem fill the empty void and thinking of him constantly and its eating up.. He always lived with me. I've seen a few threads on here before about similar things but could not find them. How long does it take? Any suggestions gratefully accepted.

[RP]

Sorry to hear that.

 

There's no right answer as to how long it takes ... wish there was.

 

You have to fill that void with something - it'll happen naturally over time, but you can force the issue. Easier said than done, but if you can do it I'd say it'll definitely help.

 

My Dad passed away about 18 months ago. I console myself with the thought that parents passing away is the natural order of things ... it's when the natural order of things breaks down that really does my head in, like a parent losing a child, for example. Not explaining it very well, but things happening in their natural order seems "right" to me. Depends how old your Dad was of course - that'll be a factor. Mine was in his mid 90s, so I was lucky.

[cymrococh]

My sympathies.

 

This is one of those things where everyone is different I think.

 

The main thing I'd say is don't feel guilty about the way you feel, or try and put limits on when you should feel better. Find someone you can talk to when you need to talk, but don't feel pressured to talk if you don't want to.

 

Try not to turn to anti-depressants if you can help it. It's entirely natural for you to be depressed so try and own the feelings and work through them rather than numbing them with medication if you can.

[Ostrich Man]

have lost a parent at 73 and a sibling....what can I say Redray except that its a cliche and a platitude but the pain does lessen as do the feelings of emptiness and constant thoughts...its life..it goes on, other things end up filling the void...it just gets a bit easier over time.

 

sorry for your loss

[Redray]

Sorry to hear that.

 

There's no right answer as to how long it takes ... wish there was.

 

You have to fill that void with something - it'll happen naturally over time, but you can force the issue. Easier said than done, but if you can do it I'd say it'll definitely help.

 

My Dad passed away about 18 months ago. I console myself with the thought that parents passing away is the natural order of things ... it's when the natural order of things breaks down that really does my head in, like a parent losing a child, for example. Not explaining it very well, but things happening in their natural order seems "right" to me. Depends how old your Dad was of course - that'll be a factor. Mine was in his mid 90s, so I was lucky.

 

He was 78. He had an amazing life. Very full, a tough guy. It was natural causes but Its really about me, might be selfish but its affecting everything i do.

 

Do you think about your dad every day still?

 

 

 

[cymrococh]

Do you think about your dad every day still?

My dad died 18 years ago, and I still think about him every day.

 

The weirdest times are when you dream as if they're still there, and a little bit after waking up you remember they've gone.

[Rodgers]

Sorry for your loss mate. Cant help as it hasnt happened to me so I dunno what else to say.

 

I guess time and trying to keep active as unmotivated as you might be at the moment are the best helps.

[RP]

I wasn't that close to my old man while I was growing up - got to know him better in the later years, but I don't think my relationship with him was as close as a 'normal' father/son relationship.

 

So, no I don't think about him all the time. I actually felt a huge sense of relief immediately after the funeral. I was very sad to lose him (much sadder than I thought I would be in the years leading up to him dying) but I think I boxed it all off quite quickly afterwards, presumably due to the fact we weren't that close for many many years. We never fell out, I just think he felt more like a favourite uncle to me.

[smithdown]

Missus lost her Ma last month, mine went 7 years ago, both after long illnesses.

 

Everything sounds glib right now but since man was man this has probably been the hardest thing to cope with, and everything that is happening to you is 'natural', at other times and in other places it has been perfectly respectable behaviour to go into mourning for months on end, so don't be hard on yourself and think you should be handling it better, cos walking and talking right now when you are in this much shock isn't too bad.

[Ostrich Man]

depends on what you mean by think of your dad everyday...I suppose I do, but its not as if the thoughts cause a negative reaction...you tend to stop noticing the oh I think iof him every day...it just becomes another thought process...for instance if I hear about a new sci-fi film or see a character from star trek (his fave prog) Ill think of him but its a positive thought such as "he'dve loved that film/prog" or when theres something about Utd etc...the thoughts dont hurt after a while,...they sort of comfort you.

[Redray]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

It has helped already I think. Trying to discuss it with family or friends was not working.

 

He was an overwhelming person and swarmed me as I was the only son. There is a lifetime of memories there, he constantly told me about life and how it was just a game and why it was important how we helped and behaved with people. He was originally from India and once fought a group and eight people who were trying to evict a poor person from his home. He sent them packing. The funeral yesterday was surreal. Over 500 people turned up. He never shyed away of telling me all the things he had done but listening to the comments yesterday it seems he still forgot most. I was told then when he finally left for the UK in the 60's the whole village held a massive party to celebrate the fact that he would not longer torment them. When he was beaten by the Indian government for just being a Sikh we thought we lost him them but he even pulled through that. Anyway, as RP says this is the natural order of things and putting pen to paper has helped. Thanks.

[Ostrich Man]

the funeral was yesterday?

 

man...of course youre thinking of him everyday!!...

 

it will get easier....give it a chance.

[cymrococh]

Try and find something that can be an influence on you. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came to my dad's funeral so wondered what I could take from the way he lived his life. He was an incredibly honest person, and didn't waste time on things he didn't want to do, so I have tried to be more like that since he died.

Edited June 13, 2014 by cymrococh

[Bogman]

Missus lost her Ma last month, mine went 7 years ago, both after long illnesses.

 

Everything sounds glib right now but since man was man this has probably been the hardest thing to cope with, and everything that is happening to you is 'natural', at other times and in other places it has been perfectly respectable behaviour to go into mourning for months on end, so don't be hard on yourself and think you should be handling it better, cos walking and talking right now when you are in this much shock isn't too bad.

 

 

Sorry for your loss Red.

 

Touch wood, my parents still with me, but like Smithy above, me missus lost her old man beginning of the year. She was a robot throughout the death/funeral etc, balls of steal, but occassionally she'll break down. Silly things, like the other day when we were walking around a garden center looking at plants for the garden. Her dad used to do all that in his spare time for us. Anyway, she just broke down and went and sat in the car. Silly things.

I do moan at her, but she's stronger than I think I'll be.

[charlie clown]

Father passed away after a lengthy illness at beginning of month.. Guess i've come to terms with it in respect to acceptance but just cant seem fill the empty void and thinking of him constantly and its eating up.. He always lived with me. I've seen a few threads on here before about similar things but could not find them. How long does it take? Any suggestions gratefully accepted.

 

I got over my dad's death fairly quickly, because, I think for various reasons that I won't go into here, I'd mourned his loss a long time before he died.

 

I've had other realtives that I still painfully miss and have never got over yet. My grandad died 22 years ago and every time I drive down through the village where he lived, if I see an old fella with white hair walking down the street, I half burst with joy at seeing him and then realise it can't posibly be him. Every time I do anything good, I still want to tell him about it befoere I tell anyone else

 

It might seem a bit mad but one of the things I find really good to do is to go and visit their resting palces and just talk to them now and again.

 

I don't think there's owt wrong with still feeling that painful about it less than year on..

[matty]

When I lost my Dad it was about 3 years before I could think of him without feeling loss and sadness. After that it slowly moved into feeling a deep sense of love and pride at the person he was and what he did for me, our family and others. He was 51, so it was hard to avoid anger, but a friend of his told me at his funeral 'Don't be angry, it'll eat you up.' Best advice I've ever had, to be honest.

 

So, basically it takes a while, but you need to let time do its job, and be there to support any family, etc who are feeling his loss too. All the best.

[Billy Dane]

Sorry for your loss Redray. When somebody has such a big impact on your life, you're not going to stop thinking about them. As that is the case choose to remember all the good things about him, what makes you proud about him, how he made you laugh, the lessons he taught you etc.

 

As others have said the pain will slowly slip away, but the memories of him won't. Fantastic that he had so many people turn out to say their goodbyes to him.

[whitewidow]

Lost my old man 5 1/2 years ago to cancer. Still miss him every day and am so grateful that I had advance warning of his death so we could get us sorted. In short the pain never goes but if I had any advice it would go like this

 

- go to grief counseling, I did and can't recommend it highly enough

- talk about him. Not to all and sundry but to those who had a connection. I found it really helped to connect with those who had a relationship with him but one which was completely different to mine with him

- don't feel guilty if you don't think about him every minute of every day. This will come in time but I still catch myself and beat myself up when I don't associate certain thing with him and his life

- describe him warts and all to your kids if you have them. Mine are well aware of their grand father's good and bad points, in doing so they are comfortable to talk about him around me. And I feel like he is part of their lives (which for most of them had barely started by the time he died)

- take time out to get it out every now and again. I still need to have a bloody good blub, about the injustice of someone dying so young, every now and again. Helps me

 

Lastly, and this one really does come with time, and it's a personal thing, might not be for you. Celebrate the fact that you knew him, be thankful that chance created the opportunity for you to be related and be born at all, and cherish every good or bad memory because, if you have my beliefs, they are about the only thing you leave behind.

[smithdown]

On a lighter note, for me at least because it has distracted from some of the emotions from time to time, we have had the added frisson of a family feud bursting its banks after the funeral - one of the sisters-in-law compounding earlier transgressions by turning up in jeans, so this has obviously become a worthy contender for "the worst thing that anyone has ever done including anything done or said by roy hitler or adolf hodgson" award, and quite rightly too, the massive div.

[charlie clown]

On a lighter note, for me at least because it has distracted from some of the emotions from time to time, we have had the added frisson of a family feud bursting its banks after the funeral - one of the sisters-in-law compounding earlier transgressions by turning up in jeans, so this has obviously become a worthy contender for "the worst thing that anyone has ever done including anything done or said by roy hitler or adolf hodgson" award, and quite rightly too, the massive div.

 

Great how there's always someone so insensitive/stupid that they provide a convenient and legitimate target for all of the pent up hurt and anger.

[Duncan Disorderly]

Sorry for your loss.

 

I've never cried like I did when my da died. Nearly 14 years ago now. Wouldn't necessarily think of him every day, but he pops into my thoughts and dreams occasionally, especially when I do silly wee things to trick my kids, which my da always did with me. He was a sweet and gentle gentleman and only 59 when he died. Far, far too young!

[Hus]

Sorry for your loss Redray.

 

As the others have mentioned, it takes time, there is no answer but I would recommend talking about him and how you're feeling. At first it will be really tough, talking brings back memories and makes the loss feel more real. But don't stop, keep talking and keep sharing.

 

I lost one my older sisters in my late teens, luckily I had lots of friends to talk too, our family friends converged around all of us like a support system (as happens quite often in asian cultures), I needed to get so much out, and by talking about what I was feeling helped me so much.

 

For me, I still think about her (17+ years later) not as much as I used but she is there in the back of my mind, I firmly believe that the sense of loss doesn't go away but you do find better ways to deal with it.

 

YNWA

[Ed the Wool]

I'm lucky to still have both my parents, but my Dad who is 78 says he still thinks about his mum and dad every day, him mum has been god 40 odd years and his Dad 20. So I think it's perfectly natural to still think about them.

 

All the best mate.

[FakeNewsBear]

Sorry for your loss RedRay, it's very cliché to say but every so slowly it will turn for mourning your loss to remembering the best times everyone is different but just remember the good times and the great story's.

 

Again so sorry.

[Redray]

Really helped all these.

 

Thanks.