Come dine with me application

libero · August 13, 2009

Dear Come Dine With Me,

It's WATSON again!!! How are you all doing down at Granada studios?

I'm glad you received my last application, as I was concerned you may have deleted it or it may not have got it through your firewall due to 'profanity'! But here I am anyway with a NEW and IMPROVED updated version of my homecooked goodness. Check this out...

Upon watching another fine episode of your programme on More4 last night, I realised I didn't share any information about myself in my previous communication, and having watched the guests you had on last night's edition (from the fine dining epicentre that is Wolverhampton), it should have been obvious to me that you needed to know a little more about me. Well here goes.

My name, as you already know, is Watson Brown, I am 28 years old and I founded and successfully run my own 5-a-side sports branding company called Fox Attack .

It's an iconic cutting edge sports/fashion brand, worn amongst the best (and worst jugding by the games I play in) 5-a-side players in the country. Some of my range is even adorned and advertised by a host of household superstars from the Scottish and English Premierships such as Zurab Khizanishvili, Darren Mackie, Stuart Parnaby and Ross Tokley to name but a few. Fox Attack was born after a night out last year when it appears I had returned to my flat a bit worse for the wear and drew pictures of cartoon foxes on my football trainers in premanent marker. NIGHTMARE!!!

But then upon waking the next morning and seeing what i'd been up to in my drunken state, I thought...

At first i was afraid,

I was petrified,

Kept thinking how could i ever wear these things at 5-a-side,

But i'd spent so many games,

doing my team-mates wrong,

I wasn't strong,

I didn't know how to carry on?

And I looked back,

I really needed Fox Attack*.

And so they're here,

from outer space,

I just got home from the pub,

got my marker out and drew on that fox's face,

I should have done it long before,

I should have made it a necessity,

If I had known for just one second,

how good they'd make me be,

Go now go, walk through the door,

of the 5-a-side hall, Banks of Dee,

and score, score, score,

Weren't these the trainers that use to be so s***,

but now with Foxes drawn on my feet,

i'm a huge hit, hit, hit,

It's Fox Attack,

they're bl00dy good,

All the Premiership will soon wear them and the boyz in the hood,

As long as the Foxes know how to score,

I will strike fear into my opponents as I burst through the door,

I've got all these games to live,

I've got all these goals to give,

I will survive,

Fox Attack* will survive.

*

Anyway, that's a little bit about my sports/fashion brand, Fox Attack , I hope you liked it. And let me also give you a brief summary of my other interests. I am an enthusiastic Neighbourhood Watch participant, have a keen fascination for trains and have followed Jimmy Nail's career relentlessly since I was just 7 years old. He is my hero.

And now to the nub of the matter - the NEW and IMPROVED Come dine With Me 2009 menu.

Upon serious reflection and much soul searching, I realised my previous gastro line-up may not have have been considered avant-garde enough for your wide-ranging tastes, so I have revised it, polished it up a bit, and most importantly, I borrowed a copy of Levi Roots' 'Reggae Reggae Cookbook' from WH Smiths the other day, so let's get this show on the road Granada!

Starter:

I'm sticking with Pringles marinated in Reggae Reggae Sauce, but this time, I'm serving it in a scooped out baked potato with side serving of whatever bag of mixed salad's cheapest in Somerfield, or possibly an 'Oops' bag if there are any available. Do 'use by' dates matter on come Dine With Me?

Main:

The Bernard Matthew's Turkey Dinosaurs are gone. I've seen these new Captian Bird's Eye Seaside Shapes!!! These things look awesum! Dolphins, Starfish, Boats, Lighthooses, the lot! Loads of fun on your plate. These will be accompanied by McCain Potato Smiley Faces and Postman Pat Spaghetti Shapes, cooked as shown in the picture below. I've consulted the Bible (Levi's cookbook), and it says should marinate in Levi Roots' world famous Reggae Reggae Sauce. So I will. Infact, it says EVERYTHING should be covered in his sauce!

(I've checked with the Captain directly, and unfortunately there are no plans as yet to directly produce a vegetarian replacement option for Seaside Shapes, so if you can just make sure you don't put me in with any veggies, animal lovers, self-harmers or emos then we should be alright).

Pudding:

I still intend to give each of my guests a Kinder Surprise, but I now accept that this may not constitute a proper dessert to some. So I've travelled back in time for the dessert and taken inspiration from my childhood. There will be a choice of two, that's right, 2, desserts on offer. The timeless, Arctic Roll, or classic Vienetta. A universally popular choice. No-one will not like either or both. Aye, both will be smothered in Reggae Reggae Sauce in accordance with Levi Roots' expert advice mind.

Refreshments: Guests will still be encouraged to drink as much Strongbow as humanly possible, in order to make the night go with a bang and encourage loose and wreckless behaviour at all times. At time of writing, Strongbow is still OFFICIALLY the UK's No.1 cider with an impressive 46% market share and enjoyed by a broad range of society. Lawyers, pilots, sports/fashion brand inventors and tramps alike all enjoy many hours of Bowtime every single night.

Seating will be provided, but guests will be kindly asked to supply their own cutlery, plates and glassware as the missus isn't too keen on the old washing up malarky.

So there you have it Come Dine With Me, what do you think of that now? The promise of such culinary expertise, invention and marinading, must surely appeal to your show. Aswell as the heavy aftershocks that the drinking alone may conjure up! Here's is my phone number, Fox Attack worldwide headquarters mind, so you can contact me directly if you wish to discuss my appearance on your show. It's 07805 576520. And best ask for Watson just incase my mum answers.

I'm not much of a computers man Come dine With Me, and i did try to attach pictures of me in the kitchen making the above dishes, but i made a bit of a c**t of it. But, thanks to the wonders of the modern keyboard, i've simply drawn the pictures Etch-a-Sketch style for you to judge. Please see below:

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I I

I o o I

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i i i i i I /////////////

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I_ _ _ _ _ _ I_ _ _ _ -------***************

I ************* _____________________________

I ******** I I

I I O O O O - - - - - - - - - - - I

I I 1 2 3 4 HOTPOINT I

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__F-A__ __F-A___ I_____________________________I

As you can clearly see, this is me in the kitchen boiling up the Postman Pat pasta shapes. Check out the steam coming from the pot as i've got it up to 4!! It's pretty hot! Oh, and look!! On my feet i'm wearing Fox Attack 'Revolver' sports/fashion trainers! As endorsed by Glasgow Rangers' shamed former boozy captian and all round ned, Barry Ferguson.

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I I

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I I I I G I I I IIII IIII

I S I I I L I I I IIII IIII

I B I ___________I______________I E I __I________I____ IIIII___ IIII_________

I___ I I I S I I ____ I

I I___I I WASHING MACHINE I____I I

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This is me in my chefs hat preparing the starter looking a bit fizzed up after several tins of the UK's No.1 like my all time cooking hero, Keith Floyd after he's been at the wine. If you look closely, i'm wearing a Fox Attack 'Open Goal' trainers but only on one foot as at this point, as I can't remember where I left the other one. As endorsed by Newcastle United's perma-injured, gambling addict, Michael Owen.

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I IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I B I I B I I B I I B I I B I

I_I_I_I_______I____________IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII __ I___I__I_ I__I__I__I__I__I__ I______

I I I

I I O I O I

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I I STRONGBOW I CUPBOARD I

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I I I DO NOT I ENTER I

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____I_ __I____ I OR I ELSE I

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And finally, here I am once again, slaving away in the kitchen preparing the piece de resistance, the Arctic Roll and Vienetta. I've got four candles on the other hand as a spectacular fireworks climax to the evening for each guest and myself. It's gonna look pretty spectacular when the lights go out! Once again, on my feet, you can see a pair of Fox Attack jimmys. These ones are from my Fox Attack 'Sin-Bin' range and are mainly aimed at the ASBO's and bad kids, which is why they are ideally endorsed by Newcastle United's front page grabbing, Scouse hooligan and all round jailbird, Joey 'The Fury' Barton!!

Well Come Dine With Me, I sincerely hope you enjoyed my presentation.

See you in the long grass.

Yours faithfully,

Watson Brown

libero · August 13, 2009

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