Police complaint

Ragnor the Horn · December 7, 2007

For obvious reasons my source has to remain anonymous but he is a

police officer and this is the current mail doing the rounds of our

boys in

blue, it is a genuine letter and response

True email sent to the force, lengthy but absolutely brilliantly

written.....

Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith

police

station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and

try

e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this

meassage

on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon

or

ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments

(I

think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off

Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a

game

which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force

of a

meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings

throughout the

entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure

how

the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through

several

bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully

dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is

setting

about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a

matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle

of

calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they

could be

relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily

leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up half the street

with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless

assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,

why

not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when

there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car

before

doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course

serve

no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these

throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month

head

start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

?????????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems

caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have

encountered in

trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an

offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details

(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???

?????????????

Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for

Leith

Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to

Norris

McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community

beat

officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills.

In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have

never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover

and

infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the

moustache

on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?

It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place

in

Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due

care and

attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using

words of

no more than two syllables at a time) to these t***s that they might

want to

play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the

Citadel or

the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of

the

Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free

to

contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to

answer,

I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards

???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you

don't

work for the cleansing department.

The Hitman · December 7, 2007