a little bit of humour to brighten up the day

[badtodabone]

these were sent to me

Aliens and Meat

Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander-in-chief...

 

"They're made out of meat."

 

"Meat?"

 

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

 

"Meat?"

 

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

 

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."

 

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

 

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

 

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

 

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

 

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

 

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

 

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

 

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

 

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

 

"No brain?"

 

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"

 

"So... what does the thinking?"

 

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

 

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

 

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

 

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

 

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

 

"So what does the meat have in mind?"

 

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

 

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

 

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

 

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

 

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

 

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

 

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

 

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

 

"Officially or unofficially?"

 

"Both."

 

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

 

"I was hoping you would say that."

 

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

 

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

 

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

 

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

 

"That's it."

 

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

 

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

 

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

 

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

 

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

 

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to be friendly again."

 

"They always come around."

 

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

 

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Malcolm Gardner <gardmal@cityscape.co.uk>.

The Bricklayer's Song

The Bricklayer's Lament was told by Gerard Hoffnung at the Oxford Union, December 4th, 1958. More recently it was converted into a song, which The Corries sang. The song is attributed to "Cooksey/Hoffnung/Murphy-Cop Con".

Dear sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight,

For at the time of writing it, I'm not a pretty sight,

My body is all black & blue, my face a deathly grey,

And I write this note to say why I am not at work today.

 

 

While working on the 14th floor some bricks I had to clear,

But tossing them down from such a height, was not a good idea,

The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod,

and he said I had to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

 

 

Well clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow,

So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.

But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,

That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

 

 

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead,

And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead.

I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found

That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

 

 

Well, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,

And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head.

But I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow,

While the barrel spilled out half its bricks some fourteen floors below.

 

 

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,

I then outweighed the barrel & so started down once more.

But I clung on tightly to the rope, me body wracked with pain,

And halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again.

 

 

The force of this collision halfway down the office block,

Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty case of shock,

But I clung on tightly to the rope as I fell towards the ground,

And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round.

 

 

Well as I lay there on the floor I thought I'd passed the worst,

But the barrel hit the pulley wheel & then the bottom burst.

A shower of bricks rained down on me; I didn't have a hope.

As I lay there bleeding on the ground I let go the bloody rope.

 

 

The barrel now being heavier, it started down once more.

It landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.

It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say,

"I hope you'll understand why I am not at work today."

 

 

[Kahnee]

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[charlie clown]

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