Viz's Top Tips

[DazzlaJ]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite

tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of

another song you like and hum that instead.

 

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by

having a ***** before the film starts.

 

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by

actually speaking clearly in the first place.

 

 

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your

identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along

with your old bank statements.

 

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking

red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to

remove the stains.

 

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial

tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

 

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to

yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

 

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm

sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of

their dogs on you.

 

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the

CVs into the bin.

 

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to

the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save

your wife from having to do it.

 

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself

by Royal Mail.

 

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a

very small horse is approaching.

 

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by

not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

 

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

 

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your

horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and

send them on their way.

 

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving

everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the

morning, simply move it all back again.

 

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the

valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

 

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',

simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

 

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.

Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think

you are listening to the sea.

 

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in

your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

 

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

 

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing

outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and

occasionally glancing inside.

 

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the

egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly

60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

 

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the

pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

 

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend

in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Sci-Fi fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

 

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

 

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed

 

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock

 

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

 

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying them in the first place, you fat gits.

 

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

 

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

 

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!

Toffee.

 

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you

on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the

blame.

 

 

MOBILE phone users. On trains always choose a seat in the last carriage. Then, when a train enters a tunnel, run as fast as you can towards the front of the train. This will ensure that you are in the tunnel for the shortest possible time and are less likely to miss that all-important call.

 

 

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

 

SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed

 

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

[Mike]

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[slapnuts]

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