Tuesday evening comedy

[stressederic]

A selection of japes, gags, and assorted chuckle inducers...

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

- Jimmy Carr

 

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm

bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of

our family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

 

 

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be

sh*tting herself.

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

 

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was

never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to

sleep at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people

were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

 

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I

was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,

because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite

flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..

Self-raising?"

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and

punched someone in the face.

- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

 

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the

obvious one was "Shout For Help".

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

 

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl

out of Cork...

- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

 

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned

out it was a bloody hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

 

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a

winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The

hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the

circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

- Steven Alan Green at C34

 

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

 

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already

got one!"

- Norman Lovett at The Stand

 

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very

good at it.

- Arnold Brown at The Stand

 

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,

then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're

trained for that.

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

[Swipe]

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Edited October 24, 2006 by Swipe

[stressederic]

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