I Left My a*** In Istanbul

[Guest Greasy Belcher]

I left my arrrse in Istanbul

 

(Read it Its good, will cheer you up and make you even more proud to be a Scouser)

 

I live in Sydney, I took a bank loan out for two years to go to istanbul, $6000 Australian dollars to be precise. I was a bit behind on the mortgage owed a few quid on the credit card and thats the amount I needed to make it happen. $2200 plane. $500 behind on mortgage. $1800 for match ticket. $1500 for spending money. How much for a match ticket I hear you ask. Thats right, My travel agent in Australia contacted a company who said they could guarantee me a seat in the liverpool section and it would cost $1800. I did not want to take any chances buying a fake ticket or one in the milan end from ebay so I said f*** it and took out the loan.

 

The day I went to collect my flight ticket my travel agent informs me that the match ticket is being sent to the hotel from england and would be ready for collection upon arrival. This pissed me off but what can you do. I got to Sydney airport and they told me I would not be let back into the country because I had not got a return visa,(It was in my old passport at home) I said f*** it, I?ve started so I?ll finish and boarded the plane. Rang the gaff and organised a fed ex to Istanbul.

 

On the plane over there were a few liverpool jersey?s, I met a lad from liverpool who?d been in Australia for a few months and cut his year long trip in half to go to the game, his name was Mark (Durno). about 6 of us shared a big taxi to sultanhamett. (the street with the JCB and road works) we had a rake of pints and f***ed off to our separate hotels. I crashed out and woke up early the next day. I went down to reception to collect my ticket, The f***ing thing was not there. I rang my travel agent, he swore it was, I began to mistrust the hotel staff, could they have sold it?

 

For the next three days I was on the piss and met Mark Durno again on the day before the game. He was amazed that my travel agent had f***ed me over like that and said he would keep an ear out for a ticket. From sunday to wednesday I slept only 1 hour a night every night because when finishing the all day all night drinking sessions at 5am, I was getting taxi?s back and fourth between the hostel and the hotel and then spending loads of money on phone cards ringing Australia and London trying to source my ticket.

 

On the day of the game I tried the hotel one last time. No Ticket! - jumped into a taxi to Taksim Square, nearly battered a taxi driver because he had a transvestite in the front seat when me and this other lad got in and when IT got out he did not charge IT. When we went to get out we threw him a tenner (a longer journey was 6 quid the day before) He went mental and started screaming at us and pointing to the meter which said 50 quid. We told him to f*** off and he jumped out of the cab and started calling the riot police over to us. We threw the prick 20 quid and told him to f*** off or be battered, cheeky prick.

 

The match was starting in 5 hours I had no ticket and was looking at paying 3 or 4 hundred for a possible forgery off a tout, then I had to find a way to the stadium because in all the b******s that was not organised. I ran into a mate who came with me from Australia. I had not seen him for more than a hour each night at the hostel because over there we were drinking with everyone and anyone and got spilt up five minutes into the drinking everyday. I told him that the ticket was a no go and we set about haggling with the touts and to be honest all the tickets looked to have the same seat number.

 

My mate then has a brain wave, pulls his phone out of the pocket and rings Mark Durno with whom we had swapped numbers a few days before. Mark happens to be standing on the other side of a big statue 20 meters away. Did Carl get his ticket yet he asks. No my mate replies, well come here we've got him one. We run over and he's there with a few scouse lads who?s just got off the plane that morning, These lads are season ticket holders, I?m reaching in to me pocket asking how much? This lad say?s I heard about all the s**** you?ve been through and a couldn?t charge you more that face value.

 

20 Euros, thats how much he wanted for the ticket, I looked at him like he was mad, offered him 200, he would not take it. So I paid him 20 Euro, ran in to the offy and bought him and the lads a cold tray of Effes. We floored that and the one already there. Then they lads asked how am I getting to the match, I don?t know bus train? how are you getting there I asked. Come with us they said we have a coach sorted. However getting on the coach you had to present you bus ticket, I did not have one so the lads said wait over there while we get on. 10 seconds later I the back door swung open and I was lifted by the scuff of the neck onto the bus. The steward started doing a head count and I was thrown on the back seat while all the lads stood infront of me and told the steward exactly how many minus one.

 

On the way to the game, the lads were mad as f***, the bus bounced from taksim to the match. They were booing other buses full of liverpool supporters that were conservative and well behaved. We stopped at another offy and this big lad called joe jumped out to get a crate of Effes. 10 seconds later he?s back on the bus with out saying a word. We were thinking that was quick. As the bus was about to pull out the steward stopped all the fun and made an announcement. ?Lads Your Not Going To Believe This, Some Thieving b*****d Has Only Gone And Walked Out Of The Shop With A Tray Of Effes On His Shoulder With Out f***ing Paying? There was silence as everyone on the bus looked down the back at us. One of The Lads shouts back in Mock Despair ?Your Joking! You mean your in Turkey with a bunch of scousers and somethings gone missing, NO!? The whole bus burst out laughing. The Offy owner was standing outside holding a knife and shouting. He wanted 90 Lira for the Tray of Effes, Joe Threw him 20 and told him to f*** off. Which he did, we continued to bounce all the way to the game.

 

You all know what happened at the game, one funny thing you won?t believe but on my life it is true. Milan scored there 3rd goal and it looked as if we were going to be bum f***ed 6 - 0. Anyway they scored their third goal,As the ball was being picked out of the net I turned to big Joe (Neil Mellor) I was about to say fuuuuuck. I looked at his face and this big hard b*****d had tears in his eyes, I threw my arm around him and to make him laugh I said, I f***ing hate these penalty shoot outs. He grinned and nodded and said that?s the f***in spirit.

 

Later that night in a pub around the corner from the North Shield Joe was telling all the lads what I said and they were shaking their heads and grinning. Nobody had a voice left we were all wiped out, felt like soilders at the end of a week long battle. I asked Mark and Ste (The guy who sold me the ticket) to come down to sultanhammet in the morning they said they would, I told them I would buy them both beer all day the next day. For the next two days I did not see them and I was pissed off. How ever I saw Mark Durno strolling down the street as I was getting on the bus to the airport. STOP THE BUS!!! I ran over and got his email address. I when back to sydney and got a refund for the match ticket. My next plan is to get the cash go to Anfield this season and buy both Mark and Ste drinks all day and night in Liverpool and thank them both for turning possibly the worst week of my adult life so far in to the best week of my whole life as long as I live. Two f***ing Legends as big as Kenny and Bill Shanks as far as I?m concerned.

 

I got The back of my 1984 Cup winners shirt printed when I got home, it now reads

 

I left my a*** in Istanbul my Heart Stolen By Scousers

$1200 spent on Kebabs and Pints I Nearly Lost My Trousers!

 

I have a pic of myself and Thommo at the airport, but I donno how to post it on here. (help required)

Edited May 21, 2007 by Greasy Belcher

[matty]

On the day of the game I tried the hotel one last time. No Ticket! - jumped into a taxi to Taksim Square, nearly battered a taxi driver because he had a transvestite in the front seat when me and this other lad got in and when IT got out he did not charge IT. When we went to get out we threw him a tenner (a longer journey was 6 quid the day before) He went mental and started screaming at us and pointing to the meter which said 50 quid. We told him to f*** off and he jumped out of the cab and started calling the riot police over to us. We threw the prick 20 quid and told him to f*** off or be battered, cheeky prick.

 

yeah, great! Aren't you the big man.