My crappy week

August 19, 2007

I'm a long-term lurker. Sorry that my first post is going to be so long and morbid, but I need a space to write something down...

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We'd been in an intense relationship for just over two and a half years. Last summer I bought a house for us to live in together and that's when things started to deteriorate. She was always high-maintainence and demanding, and our time together was very much up and down. But she was beautiful, affectionate and the sex was easily the best I've ever had.

Around the time we moved in together, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. My family and I went though several months of worry before he was finally given the all-clear. As a cruel twist of fate, about a week after my dad was told he was well, by girlfriend's father (who lived in Australia) was diagnosed with stage-4 cancer of the oesophagus. It was clear he had little time left. I was consumed by guilt - that just as I got some good news my partner received the worst. I tried my best to support her as much as possible, but it's clear now that I didn't give enough. Over time this caused further divisions in our relationship.

In March/April my work took me away for over 6 weeks. My ex made things incredibly hard - she picked fights during nearly every phonecall. When I got back everything had changed. She started to talk about breaking up and for weeks we lived in a state of limbo. Eventually, in June we decided to split, but only as a 'trial separation'. She went to Australia to be with her Dad and we (or I) hoped to get back together when she returned.

While she was away her Dad died. I felt so protective of her. If I could I would have dropped everything to fly over and be with her. She came back to London a couple of weeks later but didn't initially tell me. When she did she said she was staying with a female friend of hers. She came round one evening for a chat and it was obvious our split was permanent. The next day I heard rumours that she was in fact sleeping with another guy (she denied this vigorously). She still had keys to my house and, trying to keep things amicable, I agreed she could stay here for a few days this past week while I was away. On my 3rd night out of town I received a message from a friend suggesting I ought to try and get home early.

So, I dropped everything and drove home first thing the following morning (Wednesday). When I arrived there was a car parked in my space (she doesn't drive). I unlocked the front door and she came running over with a panicked look demanding to know why I hadn't told her about my early return. There was a pair of men's shoes by the door. I went upstairs and glanced into the bedroom: the sheets were in a mess and there were sex toys on the bedside table. A guy appeared from my office and I demanded he leave (which he did without hesitation or argument). I went into the room and found lingerie which I'd bought for her discarded on the floor. High heels next to my desk chair. Champagne bottles on the desk itself. I screamed at her for doing this in my own house, in my bed. She moved out all her stuff the following day.

No-one likes to think of their ex having sex with a new partner. To see such graphic evidence of their activities in my own home was brutal. I hate sleeping in my bed, sitting on my sofas, wondering how many times they did it there. I constantly ask myself when it all started (perhaps back in March/April?), how long they've been having great sex in my place. My head is completely f***ed. That she's seeing someone else so soon after our break-up is difficult for me to deal with. That she was f***ing him in my bed is unbearable.

Sorry for the long post. My friends are great, but I hate to burden them too much with my problems. Writing this helps in some small way. I just hope the f*** that we win today - that's the best medicine.

In 25 words or less: girl and boy break up. Girl f***s new boyfriend in old boyfriend's bed. Old boyfriend feels like s***. Old boyfriend needs to man-up.

August 19, 2007

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