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Jeremy Clarkson on the new Bond film


Guest Jack Bauer

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Guest Jack Bauer

" There's intense speculation at the moment about who will play James Bond in the the next film?

 

Who cares? So long as he's not gay,disabled or American, it doesn't really matter.So far we have had a Scot, and Australian,an Englander, a Welshist and an Irishman and they've all been fine in my book.Although the Englanders safari suit was a bit dodgy in Octopu5sy.

 

No, all I'm bothered about is the story.We're told that the next time around it'll stick more closely to the Ian Fleming books because this meets with current Hollywood demands for spy thrillers to be chilling rather than full of gadgets and explosions.

 

We've been told that for only the second time there'll be no Q, no watches that turn into lasers, no explosive toothpaste and no invisible cars.This is silly.

 

Bond has lasted for 43 years because there's a tried and tested formula which fans like.And since I'm the biggest Bond fan of them all,I've written a plot for the next movie which is to be called Casino Royal.

 

It starts with Bond rescuing a millionaires daughter from a Burmese jail in the jungle.Lots of soldiers explode and on the way out of the wardens office Bond eats a grape.Then he has some light sex with the daughter and the music starts.

 

This must be written by John Barry not The Libertines or Franz Ferdinand.Its no good going to the big star of the moment because by time it gets released on a Bond Greatest Hits album,it'll be a joke.Lets not forget that for The Living Daylights they went to A-Ha.How much do they regret that now? Anyway, after the underwater title sequence, which should feature lots of naked girls and some guns, the movie starts.

 

Bond is having some sex when his shoe rings.He clicks open the heel with a whirring noise, and a satisfying "clunk" and its Moneypenny telling him to "come" round to the office.

 

He finishes having sex and drives his Aston Martin to Whitehall. and it has to be an Aston Martin, no matter how much General Motors are offering for him to be in a Vauxhall or a Chevrolet.

 

In M's office, Judi Dench tells him that a baddy is trying to take over the world and Bond shows off, telling various government ministers who are lolling around in big wingback chairs everything there is to know about the baddy's business interests.

 

He goes to see the baddy - played by Anthony Hopkins - who keeps tropical fish.Bond knows the Latin name for all of them, and then a very beautiful girl who cant act comes into the room. Sienna Miller would be ideal.She spurns Bond who is then thrown into a tank full of sharks.He kills them with a sonic shark killer hidden in his cufflinks and drives away very fast in his Aston Martin whilst the baddy's house explodes.

 

He is chased by some helicopters and snowmobiles, all of which blow up when they hit some trees and then he goes to see Felix Leiter, his CIA opposite who is really thick and doesn't know anything.There's been a worrying trend for Bond to be joined by another agent who's a girl.It happened in TND, with Michell Yeoh, and it happened again in DAD with Halle Berry.

 

This must stop.In Bond films girls are there to lounge around swimming pools and not to run up and down walls with gadgets of their own.

 

Another thing that must stop is giving us the sense that Bond is vulnerable.He bled profusely in LTK, was tortured in DAD and broke some ribs in TWINE.Thats stupid.Bond doesn't break and he never gets captured.

 

As any 007 fan knows, if there were to be a fight between Robocop, The Terminator and Superman, Bond would win and then on his way out of the door, have another grape.And afterwards some sex with Mrs Superman.

 

Anyway, Bond retrieves something the CIA have lost, M makes some snide remarks about American inefficiency and a Russian space rocket blows up.

 

Bond goes to Kazakhstan where he spends half an hour teasing Robbie Coltrane, abseiling off tall building, reprogramming the entire Russian defence computer network and making love.

 

Then he gets into a submarine and goes to the baddy's lair where there is a huge man who demonstrates his massive strength by eating an entire billiard table.Bond kills him and eats another grape.

 

Then a siren starts and Bond realises that the countdown has begun and unless he can get to the South Pole very quickly, a space laser will blast Tenerife to bits, causing a Tsunami that'll destroy Americas east coast.Luckily, it turns out, 007 is fully qualified to fly a new Eurofighter which he finds on the baddy's aircraft carrier.

 

So he takes off wearing a black tie and has dog fights with a vastly superior force of Migs.One of these blows up and the pilots testicles smash into Bonds cockpit canopy, 'He had some balls' says Bond who straightens his tie and lights the afterburners.

 

He lands in Antarctica and turns up at the cooling plant which causes a siren to start.A computerised voice starts to say 'You have three minutes to reach a safe distance' and Anthony Hopkins melts.

 

Bond finds the controls for the space laser which he hits with an ingot until, with the timer reading 007, they break.Then as the building blows up, he burrows through the ice , using a tool in his wallet and makes his escape in a frogman outfit.

 

On the sea bed he makes love to Sienna Miller without realising a US nuclear submarine is nearby and M is watching them through a periscope.She says something like 'sea men' and the credits roll. "

 

---

 

Clarkson is da man.

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That was funny though

 

I must admit I prefer the early ones with Sean Connery that were a bit more like the books with intrigue and actual spying (Though not too much!) rather than the duff ones with Roger Moore which ended up quite silly - quite liked the one with George Lazenby - although the fight sequences were a bit corny. Timothy Dalton I thought was quite good - and the effects with Pierce Brosnon were over the top - but still pretty good to watch.

 

This new series of Bonds should be interesting - why not try changing the forumulae from time to time?

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said the Noggie right-wing 'physicist' and dole scrounger.

 

 

I've never been a physicist and I'm paying a packet in taxes to your idol ensuring the next time you get the tin tack there'll be something for you to fall back on.

 

Bang on otherwise.

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