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Facts about Rafael Benitez


RafaTheGaffa

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1. Rafael Benitez does not sleep. He waits.

 

2. Rafael Benitez has counted to infinity. Twice.

 

3. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Rafael Benitez, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

 

4. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Rafael Benitez allows to live.

 

5. Rafael Benitez is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

 

6. When Rafael Benitez sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Rafael Benitez has not had to pay taxes ever.

 

7. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rafael Benitez and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

 

8. Rafael Benitez originally appeared in the first ever football video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to score. When asked bout this "glitch," Benitez replied, "That's no glitch."

 

9. Rafael Benitez once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

 

10. Rafael Benitez is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Rafael Benitez

 

11. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Rafael Benitez.

 

12. When Rafael Benitez goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

 

13. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Rafael Benitez.

 

14. There are no races, only countries of people Rafael Benitez has beatento different shades of black and blue.

 

15. When Rafael Benitez falls in water, Rafael Benitez doesn't get wet. Water gets Rafael Benitez.

 

16. Rafael Benitez CAN believe it's not butter.

 

17. Rafael Benitez invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. David Moyes invented pink.

 

18. Rafael Benitez has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.

 

19. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Rafael Benitez"

 

20. Rafael Benitez doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

 

21. Rafael Benitez can slam a revolving door.

 

22. Rafael Benitez played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

 

23. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Rafael Benitez pajamas.

 

24. When God said, "let there be light", Rafael Benitez said, "say

'please'."

 

25. Rafael Benitez uses a night light. Not because Rafael Benitez is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Rafael Benitez.

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1. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop

the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with

his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

2. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

3. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck

Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in

blood and tears.

4. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

5. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,

"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his

name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing

this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

6. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good

looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the

transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face

and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay

mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker

every second Wednesday of the month.

7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are

trademarked names for his left and right legs.

8. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

9. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent

the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

10. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a

woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted,

"HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her

throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,

"Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the

irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred

mile radius of the blast went deaf.

11. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see

Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the

gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other

Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined

influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three

died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck

Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7

different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for

30 minutes.

14. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he

gets the information he wants.

15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her

and saying "booya".

16. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris

instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly

thereafter he grew a beard.

17. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris

brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged

beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd

had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its

neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good

Chuck, he taketh away.

18. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like

Chuck Norris

19. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but

was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a

roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's

no glitch."

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows

clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it

show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get

up the courage to tell him.

22. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with

ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

23. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving,

Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He

came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when

he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with

cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her

a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

24. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

25. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and

includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck

Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

26. Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate

the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat

tied to a jackhammer.

27. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die

from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He

also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo

meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic

bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.

His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris

"Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized

profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph.

Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy

knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

30. If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T

and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

31. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is

gay, but because he has run out of women.

32. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he

gets the information he wants.

33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two

seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse

kicks you in the face.

34. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, for HIS pleasure.

35. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick

related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

36. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck

Norris.

37. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only

another fist.

38. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to

a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure

more pirates to him.

39. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a

high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the

referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck

roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then

proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

40. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is

actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the

face that day.

41. If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck

corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns

the entire state down.

42. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his

foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia

Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

43. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by

yelling, "Bang!"

44. Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes

corn needs to lie the **** down.

45. In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World

Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and

that those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever

come to matching him.

46. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck

allows to live.

47. Chuck played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

48. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,

and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.

49. Chuck Norris is the reason why Wally is hiding.

50. While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live

ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he

can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and

roundhouse kicked him in the face.

51. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3

at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

52. Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.

53. There are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark

Side, and Chuck Norris.

54. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's

hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a

roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure

that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

 

55. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly

declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

56. New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock

struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse

kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick

everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever

since.

57. Only Chuck Norris knows how to get the figs in fig rolls.

58. When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it

was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

59. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.

60. A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible

for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

61. Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2

on the Sega Genesis.

62. Chuck Norris is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

63. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of

chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in

the side of the face.

64. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen

from outer space by the naked eye.

65. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

66. Chuck Norris does not eat. He refuels.

67. Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or

not.

68. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

69. Only Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

70. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was

experimenting with water.

71. There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however

only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

72. Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to

say hi.

73. Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you

won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting

late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

74. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the

extinct species list.

75. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

76. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

77. Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

78. If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would

kick your ass and take your dollar.

79. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire

cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

80. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.

81. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight

co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the

third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".

82. Chuck Norris was the fifth Beatle. He was expelled for

roundhouse kicking Ringo so hard he puked.

83. Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

84. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

85. Chuck Norris can divide by Zero

86. Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds.

He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

87. If Superman and the Flash were to race to the edge of space you

know who would win: Chuck Norris.

88. Kryptonite fears Chuck Norris

89. Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

90. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced

Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

91. Contrary to popular belief, it was Chuck Norris who was dropped

at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

92. Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning

the special Olympics.

93. Chuck Norris is where babies come from.

94. On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.

95. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

96. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and

roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't

be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your

hat.

97. Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonnaise in a week.

98. Chuck Norris invented water.

99. Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once

asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

100. One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris

accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to

this very day by it's technical term: Jupiter.

101. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

102. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell

a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

103. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn

occurred when chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

104. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach pictures of

his roundhouse kicks to pigeons and roundhouse kick them.

105. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Gen Chuck Norris can be

seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

106. Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he

replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him.. Until he roundhouse

kicked them all because someone split his pint.

107. Chuck Norris doesn't Teabag the ladies, he potatoe-sacks them

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