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Zoob

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Counterpoint to NYRs lovely story:

 

Really struggling at the moment. Basically things have been very up and down between me and my wife for about 4yrs. We've been together since we were 16 (now 37) and we're now fundamentally different people wanting different things.

 

Beyond that we've not had kids, which I'd actually quite like, there's been an affair and now I've fallen completely for a colleague. I'm generally a misery most of the time but now I've hit rock bottom as I try to decide whether, and how, to end things. I fear we'll both fall apart as we've both had mental health issues.

 

Our lives are so enmeshed I can't imagine not being with her but I'm finding myself avoiding spending any time with her. She's recently been put on gardening leave as she changes jobs which coincides with my summer hols and my reaction was of utter dread, which can't be healthy.

 

Any advice welcome!

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Yeah I feared that. I can't get my head around the conversation or the ensuing wreck of a life I'd have.

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Yeah I feared that. I can't get my head around the conversation or the ensuing wreck of a life I'd have.

You have a career, interests, are politically active so I can't see that you would be short on company? Moving on not easy but what's the alternative here?

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Bailo, not sure if you saw my posts in a thread recently where I turned to the forum in similar circumstances.... I have kids though and was in a marriage where we became like strangers and never planned time together or spent time as a family. Separate bedrooms for years and like passing ships... I knew what I needed to do but cos of the kids I was struggling to make the step until one day enough was enough and I told her I was leaving... I found a place local to the house and once I was ready I told my kids and I moved out. This was nearly 3 months ago and it's the best thing I have done and really wish it had happened sooner. I am finally happy, my kids and family have seen a totally different me. I was just going through the motions before but now I have my own place and my kids love coming to mine as they have loads of space to play in and it's safe.. I will at some point start looking for a relationship but I know I have missed out on so much just being able to relax and enjoy alone time... I have blitzed through box sets and films I would never have had chance to watch, been able to go out with mates and have family visit (who kept away before because of awkward atmosphere) and most importantly everyone around me has seen a huge weight off my shoulders... Yeah it's going to be difficult going through divorce and I have low points when I look back and think about the kids or if I could have done things differently, but I'm confident the future will be much better now and I'm hopeful that I will have love in my life in the future with a partner rather than running down a very loveless life which I had before

 

Best of luck mate

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Nice post Barnsey_10

 

I'll caveat this by saying I'm lucky enough that I've never had to do this with a long term relationship - but I can honestly say that every tough conversation I've built up in my head as being hard or impossible to have, and hence put off longer than I should do - turned out positive in the long run and my life was better for having faced up to it.

 

The biggest one was having to tell my wife that my career was making me depressed and I had to get out of it for my own long term mental health. I then had to have that conversation with a long-time friend who'd recommended me for a job at her company 6 months before as I was about to quit. I'm genuinely a different, more stable, happier person since I did that. 

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Counterpoint to NYRs lovely story:

 

Really struggling at the moment. Basically things have been very up and down between me and my wife for about 4yrs. We've been together since we were 16 (now 37) and we're now fundamentally different people wanting different things.

 

Beyond that we've not had kids, which I'd actually quite like, there's been an affair and now I've fallen completely for a colleague. I'm generally a misery most of the time but now I've hit rock bottom as I try to decide whether, and how, to end things. I fear we'll both fall apart as we've both had mental health issues.

 

Our lives are so enmeshed I can't imagine not being with her but I'm finding myself avoiding spending any time with her. She's recently been put on gardening leave as she changes jobs which coincides with my summer hols and my reaction was of utter dread, which can't be healthy.

 

Any advice welcome!

 

Christ mate sounds awful. I didn't feel I had much advice for Leo and Zoob as it seemed complicated but unfortunately for you this doesn't. It's going to be brutal but you've got to split up.

 

Get it done before you end up shagging your colleague as that will add another unnecessary layer of complexity.

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Yeah thanks all. It's weird when you know what you have to do and yet you'd rather do anything to maintain the status quo. I was lucky enough to see a therapist for a few sessions a year or so ago and she said the same thing. Just too much of an emotional coward I guess. But you reach a point when it all gets too much.

 

Wedding anniversary in a few weeks time. f***.

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Also, goes without saying, hope everyone in here who is having a s*** time feels happier soon.

 

Absolutely this. Good luck lads

Yeah thanks all. It's weird when you know what you have to do and yet you'd rather do anything to maintain the status quo. I was lucky enough to see a therapist for a few sessions a year or so ago and she said the same thing. Just too much of an emotional coward I guess. But you reach a point when it all gets too much.

 

Wedding anniversary in a few weeks time. f***.

 

You're absolutely not an emotional coward. You're about to have to confront something that's shaped half your life. That might sound daunting but what's more daunting is that not doing anything will potentially make you both even unhappy for years to come. Takes a lot to deal with something this big - and you may not be the only one wanting to confront it but too daunted to.

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Counterpoint to NYRs lovely story:

 

Really struggling at the moment. Basically things have been very up and down between me and my wife for about 4yrs. We've been together since we were 16 (now 37) and we're now fundamentally different people wanting different things.

 

Beyond that we've not had kids, which I'd actually quite like, there's been an affair and now I've fallen completely for a colleague. I'm generally a misery most of the time but now I've hit rock bottom as I try to decide whether, and how, to end things. I fear we'll both fall apart as we've both had mental health issues.

 

Our lives are so enmeshed I can't imagine not being with her but I'm finding myself avoiding spending any time with her. She's recently been put on gardening leave as she changes jobs which coincides with my summer hols and my reaction was of utter dread, which can't be healthy.

 

Any advice welcome!

 

 

 

Oh man, really sorry to hear this Bailo. But i think you know the answer as much as i do. You need to pull the plug and move on. About 5 years ago I split with a long term girlfriend, we'd been together about 12 years. but over time just drifted apart. We werent married thankfully, and the only kid involved was her son who was thankfully old enough to understand what was going on. 

 

I think the hardest thing is actually admitting its over. I was 37 when we split, and at the time i just felt that i'd failed at everything. which looking back was ridiculous, i had a good job, good friends, im close to my family. But the breakdown of the relationship made me feel rudderless, and if im honest, scared. the immediate aftermath of the split i felt like s***, that lasted a few months, but once I got out of the house and my own place sorted, I realised quickly that it was the right thing to do. It takes a while but you get there and in the long run feel better for it. 

 

 

Someone else mentioned early in the thread, KAMF i think, that he thinks all relationships have a life span. I genuinely thing thats the case more often than not. People changes, peoples priorities, interests, tastes all change. and its easy to drift apart. 

 

Anyway, good luck mate with whatever you decide to do

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Counterpoint to NYRs lovely story:

 

Really struggling at the moment. Basically things have been very up and down between me and my wife for about 4yrs. We've been together since we were 16 (now 37) and we're now fundamentally different people wanting different things.

 

Beyond that we've not had kids, which I'd actually quite like, there's been an affair and now I've fallen completely for a colleague. I'm generally a misery most of the time but now I've hit rock bottom as I try to decide whether, and how, to end things. I fear we'll both fall apart as we've both had mental health issues.

 

Our lives are so enmeshed I can't imagine not being with her but I'm finding myself avoiding spending any time with her. She's recently been put on gardening leave as she changes jobs which coincides with my summer hols and my reaction was of utter dread, which can't be healthy.

 

Any advice welcome!

Sorry to hear this Bailo

 

Don't have any advice to give on top of what people have already said but hope it gets better soon.

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Thanks chaps. As always, it massively improves my outlook a) talking and b) knowing there are randos on the internet I can share with ;-)

 

It's a sad indictment on my circle of very #lad mates I can't talk to them about it.

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having no kids will make the split easier Bailo if it comes to it.

 

in a situation myself and the kids are the stumbling block...or maybe im just using that as an excuse.

 

Anyway things get put into perspective......one of the best mates of Herbie von smalls, Duncan and myself found out yesterday he has Creutzfeldt-Jacobs Disease and basically has months to live, last night him and his missus were going to sit down their 9 year old boy to tell him.

 

f*** that.

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having no kids will make the split easier Bailo if it comes to it.

 

in a situation myself and the kids are the stumbling block...or maybe im just using that as an excuse.

 

Anyway things get put into perspective......one of the best mates of Herbie von smalls, Duncan and myself found out yesterday he has Creutzfeldt-Jacobs Disease and basically has months to live, last night him and his missus were going to sit down their 9 year old boy to tell him.

 

f*** that.

I’ve been through some s*** but this...this is when I realise I’ve led a charmed life by comparison

 

So sorry, OM.

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aye earl....makes you realise whats important.

 

poor sod...he had went back to uni and became a teacher a couplke of years ago, was loving it, then he noticed his memory was getting a bit s***...but since then its been a rapid decline..we thought tumour...hoped for because at least something can be done if its benign (like another mate of ours). not to be

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f*** OM really sorry to hear about your mate.

 

My first marriage ended after just over a year because I didn't pay attention to the doubts I had in the run up to the wedding and wrote them off as pre wedding nerves, as a result I put a perfectly decent and good woman through a s*** time because I wasn't able to face some facts about myself. We can stay in relationships for a variety of reasons, not wanting to let others down, fear of the unknown some misguided sense of responsibility etc but it's unlikely that they will justify the hurt we cause ourselves and others. I wish everyone going through it all the best.

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At my college reunion the weekend before last, we had a symposium with five classmates on a panel. They were talking about life changing experiences. One became a pastor, one went from Investment Banking to be a Yiddish theatre performer, one got the Africa.com URL and turned it into a big philanthropic and investment effort in Africa, one had a brain tumor which gave her brain damage and she became right-side brain dominant and changed from being a maths teacher to an artist.

 

Then the bombshell came up. A nice woman who was a tennis player in college got up and they put a picture of her on the screen. It was of her with her two sons who were about 12 and 10. She said that it was taken about four weeks before “they left the earth”. Everyone gasped. She then told about how she became spiritual but not religious as a result of it and how it helped her handle the horror of their deaths.

 

Then she went on to say that there was more to the story. She was going through an acrimonious divorce with her husband who on the face of it seemed to be an all-around great guy to the rest of the world. He had custody one weekend and he decided to go into the boys bedrooms on the Saturday night, shoot each of them in the head, set the house on fire, and then shoot himself in the head. You could have heard a pin drop in the whole auditorium. I can’t ever recall being more shocked. Poor woman.

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Kinell, people really do have some terrible s*** happen to them.

 

Yup. But not really that helpful/appropriate in the context of this thread

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Yup. But not really that helpful/appropriate in the context of this thread

 

I did wonder for a second what the link was and then remembered it has been all about relationship breakdowns but yeah, if I were Bailo/Barnsey/Zoob etc I probably prefer the 'Good luck mate' stuff

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Thanks chaps. As always, it massively improves my outlook a) talking and b) knowing there are randos on the internet I can share with ;-)

 

It's a sad indictment on my circle of very #lad mates I can't talk to them about it.

PM'd you

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