Lowest moment in forum history

[charlie clown]

They bought me a Lindt bunny as an apology, which seemed like a bit of a slap in the face.

 

That really made me laugh.

[PhilM]

Who bought it?!

 

Chucked it through the car auctions. Got a pretty decent price, considering that it smelt suspiciously of what probably ended up being gallons and gallons of Febreze.

[DecidedByPoll]

The lowest moment in forum history thread is now just vomit anecdotes. Seems kinda apt. Who's got a poo story?

[drdooom]

My poo story is about one time when we were in London. We were waiting for a tube train when I felt a fart coming on. Just in the nick of time I realised it was in fact diarrhoea. The ride back to the hotel was not the most pleasant time I've had. I don't think my sphincter has ever been fully unclenched since. The discharge when I got up to our room and on the toilet was explosive to say the least.

 

Maybe this one doesn't qualify since everything went where it was supposed to in the end but it's what I have.

[charlie clown]

I think I posted this in here (or maybe the other place) many years back but worth a, ahem, repeat.

 

Was once caught in desperate need of a dump when miles from home and comfort so went into the local bus station where I knew there were some public toilets. Only trap available had no toilet seat so I had to hover over the lav and take aim from on high. It was one of those continuous Cumberland sausage curlers that went on for ages. And unfortunately it all landed in a big wound-up coil on the back shelf of the toilet where the seat would normally be attached. I was too freaked out to do anything about it. there was no toilet brush or anything so I just walked away and left it there. Ever since then I've felt a shudder of guilt and self-loathing every time I see someone whose job it is to clean up public bogs.   

[scoose]

Me mate was bladdered and got caught short on the way home from a tube station one night and was that desperate he went down an alley for a s***e. He said he dropped his kecks to his ankles and leaned his back against the wall and started. Problem was he couldn't have a s*** without pissing (too much lager) and managed to soak his trousers round his ankles

[DazzlaJ]

I think I posted this in here (or maybe the other place) many years back but worth a, ahem, repeat.

 

Was once caught in desperate need of a dump when miles from home and comfort so went into the local bus station where I knew there were some public toilets. Only trap available had no toilet seat so I had to hover over the lav and take aim from on high. It was one of those continuous Cumberland sausage curlers that went on for ages. And unfortunately it all landed in a big wound-up coil on the back shelf of the toilet where the seat would normally be attached. I was too freaked out to do anything about it. there was no toilet brush or anything so I just walked away and left it there. Ever since then I've felt a shudder of guilt and self-loathing every time I see someone whose job it is to clean up public bogs.   

 

[kop205]

A mate of mine who is a Newcastle fan told me a story about going to an away the match with a bunch of lads back in the late80s or early 90s. They'd been out the night before and one of them turned up in white jeans. He let out a big fart and followed through. They were just about to board the train so he legged it out of the station into a shop opposite and grabbed a pair of jeans off the shelf, chucked the cash at the girl on the till and ran back out, straight onto the train. He went to the toilets on the train to change, waited until it pulled out of the station and chucked his white kecks out of the window. He went to get changed into his new jeans only to discover that he'd picked up a denim jacket. He was eventually provided with, and attended the match in, a rail company issue boiler suit. 

 

Now there are several parts of this story that don't quite add up but if true then it defo deserves a mention.

[Tommok]

Mate of mine was caught short on the way back from the pub and rather than pissing in the street, jumped over the wall into the church yard, as it was pitch black he didn't notice it was a 10 ft drop on the other side of the wall and he crashed down, smashing his elbow joint, which required major surgery and put pay to a promising cricket career.

 

Moral of the story - just piss in the street?

[sutty]

I think I posted this in here (or maybe the other place) many years back but worth a, ahem, repeat.

 

Was once caught in desperate need of a dump when miles from home and comfort so went into the local bus station where I knew there were some public toilets. Only trap available had no toilet seat so I had to hover over the lav and take aim from on high. It was one of those continuous Cumberland sausage curlers that went on for ages. And unfortunately it all landed in a big wound-up coil on the back shelf of the toilet where the seat would normally be attached. I was too freaked out to do anything about it. there was no toilet brush or anything so I just walked away and left it there. Ever since then I've felt a shudder of guilt and self-loathing every time I see someone whose job it is to clean up public bogs.   

 

 

Old Trafford football ground somebody had done that on the f***ing shelf above the trap except it was like a f***ing dogs tail, not a sausage.

 

Genuinely nearly yacked. Still makes me nauseous thinking about it. 

 

Impressive logistically though. Must have been f***ing spiderman to get their a*** about 5 feet off the ground. 

[RP]

This thread wins it's own title.

[Barnesy_10]

Old Trafford football ground somebody had done that on the f***ing shelf above the trap except it was like a f***ing dogs tail, not a sausage.

 

Genuinely nearly yacked. Still makes me nauseous thinking about it. 

 

Impressive logistically though. Must have been f***ing spiderman to get their a*** about 5 feet off the ground. 

When we played Wycombe Wanderers at Villa Park in the FA Cup I parked at a scout hut near the ground and had needed a dump all the way there.. So I legged it into the scout hut where they were providing refreshments for people paying to park.... joined the queue for the one toilet.... eventually got in the bog and did what I needed to do... realised there was no loo roll I was left with the only option to take one sock off and use that to wipe me a***.. was surprised how amazingly thorough a sock can be for wiping a s***ty a***.... anyway, I dumped the sock in the loo and it wouldn't flush.. so I left the loo in a sly fashion covering my face as the next guy in the queue went in behind me,,, all I could hear from behind me was 'f***ing ell kid... a f***ing sock??'

 

all match I was sat with just one sock on and paranoid some guy was looking about for some t*** with one sock on.. Pissed it down too, but at least we won

[Falconhoof]

I didn't think of using a sock when faced with the hell of no toilet paper.

Think I used my duds on more than one occasion in the distant past.

[New York Red]

A mate of mine who is a Newcastle fan told me a story about going to an away the match with a bunch of lads back in the late80s or early 90s. They'd been out the night before and one of them turned up in white jeans. He let out a big fart and followed through. They were just about to board the train so he legged it out of the station into a shop opposite and grabbed a pair of jeans off the shelf, chucked the cash at the girl on the till and ran back out, straight onto the train. He went to the toilets on the train to change, waited until it pulled out of the station and chucked his white kecks out of the window. He went to get changed into his new jeans only to discover that he'd picked up a denim jacket. He was eventually provided with, and attended the match in, a rail company issue boiler suit.

 

Now there are several parts of this story that don't quite add up but if true then it defo deserves a mention.

Oh my God. I think I just sh*t myself laughing so hard at that.

[Ostrich Man]

guy I know did a s*** into the toilet paper then pushed it down into the middle of the pink soap so you couldnt see it  in a liquid soap dispenser  in McDonalds .

 

 

for a laugh

Edited September 8, 2017 by Ostrich Man

[kop205]

A lad I used to work with told me that when he was at uni he did a turd which he then buried in the middle of his mates jumbo tin of instant coffee granules.

 

Described it as being like opening the ark of the covenant when the lad next took the lid off a few days later.

Edited September 8, 2017 by kop205

[Sir Tokyo Sexwale]

guy I know did a s*** into the toilet paper then pushed it down into the middle of the pink soap so you couldnt see it  in a liquid soap dispenser  in McDonalds .

 

 

for a laugh

 

where to start here....

[cymrococh]

A mate of mine who is a Newcastle fan told me a story about going to an away the match with a bunch of lads back in the late80s or early 90s. They'd been out the night before and one of them turned up in white jeans. He let out a big fart and followed through. They were just about to board the train so he legged it out of the station into a shop opposite and grabbed a pair of jeans off the shelf, chucked the cash at the girl on the till and ran back out, straight onto the train. He went to the toilets on the train to change, waited until it pulled out of the station and chucked his white kecks out of the window. He went to get changed into his new jeans only to discover that he'd picked up a denim jacket. He was eventually provided with, and attended the match in, a rail company issue boiler suit.

 

Now there are several parts of this story that don't quite add up but if true then it defo deserves a mention.

That's a famous urban myth.

[kop205]

That's a famous urban myth.

Yeah, to be honest, I kind of thought that.

[Jonesy]

I was given codeine after an op. I was still off my t*** when the nurse was telling me that if I was going to take these bad boys I also needed to have a high fibre diet. Anyway my mrs picks me up and takes me home. I tell her, in my off tree way, that all I need to do for the next two weeks is take the pain killers and eat ice cream! 

 

So all went well apart from the high fibre bit. I was also supposed to eat toast to aid in taking a lining off my throat to help heal where the op had taken place. Anyway I ended up on more codeine than I should off. Then once I stopped taking them the trouble started. I hadn't been for a s***e for 13 days. For the next two days I was agony, gagging to drop off a massive pay load! Nowt was happening. I can only imagine that it was something akin to labour! I foolishly took advice off my mrs and popped a few laxatives. Oh my days ......I was longing for the PhillyBurkhill fork. Nowt was shifting and I was more pain than ever. There is a wicker chair in my bathroom that still bears the scars of me grabbing for something to hold on to and pushing like a fecker! 

 

Finally on day 3 exhausted, tired and emotional and I went for one last go thinking if this doesn't work I am off back to the hospital. After squeezing f*** out of the wicker chair one last time I released what only can be described as death! Oh lord! I've seen so much in one pan on one sitting and the smell! I was convinced I was going have to get dyno rod in. 

 

I felt like I'd just won the 100m olympic final. I was nearly going to a do a Daley Thompson back flip! I never felt so good after a s*** ever! 

 

Moral of the story is make sure you have a sensible adult with you at all times when it comes to medication and being discharged out of hospital. It will only serve to help with your own discharge further down the line. 

[drdooom]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bczOxg2JoJM&t=7

Edited September 8, 2017 by drdooom

[Ibby]

I was in court once waiting to get on for a client many years ago and this ole fella with a walking stick was prosecuting people who had breached their tagging orders. he is stood up and addressing the bench when he sneezes three or 4 times really loud into a massive hanky. he then starts acting weird and sort of leaning over holding onto the desk in front of him. then tells the magistrates he has had an accident and has shat himself as a result of eating a chicken and leek pie during lunch. he then asks to leave court and kind of shuffles out of the packed courtroom with his legs together with the courtroom in total silence. when he leaves the courtroom erupts in laughter. never saw the ole fella again after that but remember his name was Mr pingree

Edited September 8, 2017 by Ibby

[Murphman]

When we played Wycombe Wanderers at Villa Park in the FA Cup I parked at a scout hut near the ground and had needed a dump all the way there.. So I legged it into the scout hut where they were providing refreshments for people paying to park.... joined the queue for the one toilet.... eventually got in the bog and did what I needed to do... realised there was no loo roll I was left with the only option to take one sock off and use that to wipe me a***.. was surprised how amazingly thorough a sock can be for wiping a s***ty a***.... anyway, I dumped the sock in the loo and it wouldn't flush.. so I left the loo in a sly fashion covering my face as the next guy in the queue went in behind me,,, all I could hear from behind me was 'f***ing ell kid... a f***ing sock??'

 

all match I was sat with just one sock on and paranoid some guy was looking about for some t*** with one sock on.. Pissed it down too, but at least we won

 

It didn't rain that day. Sorry Barnesy but it didn't?

[oakie bob]

It didn't rain that day. Sorry Barnesy but it didn't?

 

 

dear oh dear old man

 

 

14:48 Clive mentions how hard its been raining at Villa Park

[DPD1973]

When will Metro be along with the team news?