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Coping.


Redray

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I'm lucky to still have both my parents, but my Dad who is 78 says he still thinks about his mum and dad every day, him mum has been god 40 odd years and his Dad 20. So I think it's perfectly natural to still think about them.

 

All the best mate.

Yeah...if my mum was god id think about her too.

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I'm so sorry mate. I seriously feel your pain. I don't think there is any formula to it. But I would suggest this.

 

Try to put yourself in the mind of your Dad. He wouldn't want you to ruin your life or have you be obsessed with missing him. He'd want the best for you. But, his memory will live on with how you live your life. You'll make decisions based on his values and what he might advise you. That is how his memory and values will live on. He'll still be alive in that he will be talking to you in the decisions you make and the acts you commit.

 

Talk to him in your mind. You know him well enough. recollect his voice. Think about his habits.

 

He won't leave you. You'll just have a different relationship with him. And you may well love him even more.

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my grandmother died at the end of 2001. I was the last person to speak to her on Christmas day that year and she seemed fine - she died on boxing day at home. took me forever to get over the feeling that if I'd said something different then I'd have known she wasn;t well (she sounded fine). My dad deals with her death by not talking about it. My mum by talking to her still..

 

neither is wrong - theres no wrong way to feel and cope - just do whats right for you (although I'd suggest that a mass murder spree might not go down well).

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Father passed away after a lengthy illness at beginning of month.. Guess i've come to terms with it in respect to acceptance but just cant seem fill the empty void and thinking of him constantly and its eating up.. He always lived with me. I've seen a few threads on here before about similar things but could not find them. How long does it take? Any suggestions gratefully accepted.

Condolences on your loss Redray.

 

My old man passed away a few years ago, during a trip to Bangladesh he took with my old dear. I recall the day he left... I dropped them both off at the airport, and my little brother tagged along for the ride. As they went through the gates, he turned around and waved... in all the years my old man went back & forth, he's never done that. Ever. He was very much your stereotypical Asian father, tough, uncompromising, absolutely no emotion... old skool if you like. In that moment when he waved, I had a bizarre moment, and turned around to my little brother and said "i don't think we're going to see him again" - I have no idea to this day why I said that, but that's how I felt in that moment. That was in October 2010, and in Jan 2011 he was gone.

 

I got the call at 4am, and by 11am I was on a flight, but didn't make his funeral unfortunately. I wasn't upset at all to be honest... I'm a bit emotionless myself. But when I made it to our village in B'Desh... that's when it kind of hit me what his death meant. Our house was ram packed with family and friends. Everyone was devastated, and I found myself consoling so many people... uncles, aunts etc. People who I consider my elders were in bits. So i found myself putting on a front to give them comfort. I think they found it bizarre that i didn't cry.

 

But in other peoples sorrow's I found a bit of happiness.

 

It may seem bizarre to say that, but I realised what a good innings my old man had in that moment. He spent his entire life, feeding & clothing & educating these people. Even to the detriment of his own kids. His logic was "you're in England" you'll find your way and opportunity, they won't. He made such a difference to so many peoples lives, that I felt proud of him - a little envious even, even though we never saw eye to eye. He is buried on the grounds of the mosque and orphange he built... so even if we don't go back and pay him a visit, his "other" kids will. Everyday.

 

And it's because of this.... to this day i've never shed a tear, and I dealt with his death immediately.

 

So in a long winded way... what i'm trying to say, is look to the good - like the occasion you mention your father stood up for the poor man, and it will give you comfort to know he did something good while he was here, and be proud of him.

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KBR that is uncanny. The night before he was calling for me. He was sat up in bed praying and when I came in he had a massive smile. He hugged my daughter for ages before she went to bed. She said it was unusual. I didn't have a "i knew" moment but he definitely did. He told my mother to make sure a certain family member came to the funeral because not only do they 'dress' weddings abut they also dress death. This family member had helped us at my sisters weddings in the past and sure enough he just came and was a rock. Like you I never shed a tear on the day. How I didn't I will never know. I put on a turban and grew a beard for the first time in years and all commmented how I was the spitting image of him. I became him for the day. I felt inspired. I could hear him inside me telling me to be strong because people were looking and me and you probably know how courage and dignity are important in this respect. He said if I showed weakness when others were looking at me, not least the children it would break them. I could feel my daughter's glare upon me all day and kept it together, pretending I was him I actually became him.

 

As countless people shook my hand and recounted stories of how he had helped them and others I felt incredible. It made me feel like I was walking on air. Difficult to explain.

 

On the morning he left us his last breath was in my face as I held him in my arms. It felt like a curse at the time but I realise I am so lucky and fortunate to have been blessed that this remarkable man was not only my father but his last moment was in my lap.

 

Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be a even more beautiful day.

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KBR that is uncanny. The night before he was calling for me. He was sat up in bed praying and when I came in he had a massive smile. He hugged my daughter for ages before she went to bed. She said it was unusual. I didn't have a "i knew" moment but he definitely did. He told my mother to make sure a certain family member came to the funeral because not only do they 'dress' weddings abut they also dress death. This family member had helped us at my sisters weddings in the past and sure enough he just came and was a rock. Like you I never shed a tear on the day. How I didn't I will never know. I put on a turban and grew a beard for the first time in years and all commmented how I was the spitting image of him. I became him for the day. I felt inspired. I could hear him inside me telling me to be strong because people were looking and me and you probably know how courage and dignity are important in this respect. He said if I showed weakness when others were looking at me, not least the children it would break them. I could feel my daughter's glare upon me all day and kept it together, pretending I was him I actually became him.

 

As countless people shook my hand and recounted stories of how he had helped them and others I felt incredible. It made me feel like I was walking on air. Difficult to explain.

 

On the morning he left us his last breath was in my face as I held him in my arms. It felt like a curse at the time but I realise I am so lucky and fortunate to have been blessed that this remarkable man was not only my father but his last moment was in my lap.

 

Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be a even more beautiful day.

Lovely.

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On the morning he left us his last breath was in my face as I held him in my arms. It felt like a curse at the time but I realise I am so lucky and fortunate to have been blessed that this remarkable man was not only my father but his last moment was in my lap.

 

Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be a even more beautiful day.

 

 

Yeah man, think of the comfort you could give your Da those last moments. If a person could choose a way to go...

 

Sounds like you've be doing a good man proud, lad.

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KBR that is uncanny. The night before he was calling for me. He was sat up in bed praying and when I came in he had a massive smile. He hugged my daughter for ages before she went to bed. She said it was unusual. I didn't have a "i knew" moment but he definitely did. He told my mother to make sure a certain family member came to the funeral because not only do they 'dress' weddings abut they also dress death. This family member had helped us at my sisters weddings in the past and sure enough he just came and was a rock. Like you I never shed a tear on the day. How I didn't I will never know. I put on a turban and grew a beard for the first time in years and all commmented how I was the spitting image of him. I became him for the day. I felt inspired. I could hear him inside me telling me to be strong because people were looking and me and you probably know how courage and dignity are important in this respect. He said if I showed weakness when others were looking at me, not least the children it would break them. I could feel my daughter's glare upon me all day and kept it together, pretending I was him I actually became him.

 

As countless people shook my hand and recounted stories of how he had helped them and others I felt incredible. It made me feel like I was walking on air. Difficult to explain.

 

On the morning he left us his last breath was in my face as I held him in my arms. It felt like a curse at the time but I realise I am so lucky and fortunate to have been blessed that this remarkable man was not only my father but his last moment was in my lap.

 

Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be a even more beautiful day.

That's dead lovely. All I have to offer is (I think) a Fernando Sabine quote.

 

'Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.'

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KBR that is uncanny. The night before he was calling for me. He was sat up in bed praying and when I came in he had a massive smile. He hugged my daughter for ages before she went to bed. She said it was unusual. I didn't have a "i knew" moment but he definitely did. He told my mother to make sure a certain family member came to the funeral because not only do they 'dress' weddings abut they also dress death. This family member had helped us at my sisters weddings in the past and sure enough he just came and was a rock. Like you I never shed a tear on the day. How I didn't I will never know. I put on a turban and grew a beard for the first time in years and all commmented how I was the spitting image of him. I became him for the day. I felt inspired. I could hear him inside me telling me to be strong because people were looking and me and you probably know how courage and dignity are important in this respect. He said if I showed weakness when others were looking at me, not least the children it would break them. I could feel my daughter's glare upon me all day and kept it together, pretending I was him I actually became him.

 

As countless people shook my hand and recounted stories of how he had helped them and others I felt incredible. It made me feel like I was walking on air. Difficult to explain.

 

On the morning he left us his last breath was in my face as I held him in my arms. It felt like a curse at the time but I realise I am so lucky and fortunate to have been blessed that this remarkable man was not only my father but his last moment was in my lap.

 

Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be a even more beautiful day.

The evening before that you mention and the "he knew" moment... there's actually an explanation for it, in our traditions, and my father went through exactly the same thing, but his happened over the course of the few days leading up to his death.

 

From an Islamic perspective, we are told that when the angel of death comes to take the soul, the person in question, will know what is about to happen. Sometimes the person will not know anything until the very last breath, with others it can be a day, or a few days or up to 40 days in advance i've been told. How or why this variance occurs I do not know... but your father behaving oddly the night before could be put down to that. Is there any such explanations from within the Sikh faith? It may be worthwhile looking into if it helps you with some answers.

 

In the days leading up to my father passing away, he did some odd things. An uncle of mine came to visit him one evening - they chatted, had tea, then he left. A couple of mins after he had left, he went out after him, and said "you might as well have dinner with me one more time before I die". Of course they both laughed, and had dinner. 2 days later he was gone.

 

4 days before he passed away, as a joke he says to my mums younger brother "aren't you going to invite me round for dinner this time around", to which my uncle replied "when have I ever not, and when do you ever accept" - being of the old skool Bengali mentality, he never used to accept or hardly ever visited his in laws. But on this occasion he said to my uncle "ok, I tell you what, i'll even come round & stay, as i'll never get the chance again". My old dear was shocked to say the least.. he kept his word and they went round & stayed a night. He took shed loads of traditional sweets, fruits, hampers etc. to the point where the people in the local bazaar were like "look at our brother from London... he thinks he's a newly wed". My old dear later told me that my father has only ever stayed round at his inlaws once before... and that was when they got married all 50+years ago, just to uphold a tradition that a newly married couple do, 3 days after their wedding.

 

There's whole host of other things that he did, but the one that sticks out the most for me, is the actual morning of his death. He called up all his brothers, and told them one by one to come round to our house as he needs them to take him somewhere, without telling each of them, that the others got the same phone call. He did the same with his nephews - basically all the males in the family. I guess he wanted them all near by. But in the final minutes before he passed away, he went to the bath room, showered, and did the Islamic ritual of purification which we do before every prayer. When he got back to his room, arms, face and feet still wet, he sent my mum away, telling her she should go get ready/showered. He was sat on the bed, and watched her leave. The moment she was in the bathroom, he called in all the family members into his room... they came, he sat them down, paused, didn't say anything... then stood up, and said the Islamic testimony of faith (I bear witness that there is no deity worthy of worship except the One God, and I bear witness that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is the Servant and final Messenger of God.) and fell face forward onto his bed and passed away.

 

The phone rang here at 4am, and I was in bed, as was my little brother. He beat me to the phone downstairs, but the moment it rang, and i awoke, i froze in bed... I knew what the call was about. There's also an explanation for this kind of thing, but it kind of drifts off topic here.

 

You're going to go through some weird emotions Redray... most of it probably won't make sense. I've justified it to myself with the simple logic of - it's death, it comes to all, and its inevitable. The hardest thing i've had to deal with though is filling the void my father left behind. People now look to me for all the things he dealt with, and I have to admit, i'm not even half the man he was.... but it still doesn't stop people thinking your him.

 

Time helps to heal... but you never forget.

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KBR...you're an man of solace and have a real talent of articulation.

 

This other feeling you sort of touched on, we were in Tramore when my dad died but for 3 days all the phones were down. When I finally got through, the hospital said he was so-so but to keep ringing. We were getting on a bus to go in to Waterford and at 1 o'clock I felt this awful dread that I shouldn't be there, that I should be with my dad. About half an hour later, I got through to the hospital again and they told me my dad passed away at 1 o'clock.

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