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'James Coburn' Pigeon badly needed in my garden.


Case

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Until recently, our garden had been a refuge for birds (no, not that kind) of many varieties, pecking their way through seeds, insects etc, and merrily chirping their way through many a morning... Now, these peaceful, harmless little 'Mexicans' have been bullied out of their state of avian grace by a bunch of b*****d Magpies, with 'Eli Wallach' Magpie clearly directing operations. These feckers have basically bullied the poor little b******s all over the shop, kicking them up the a***, stealing their food, stealing their chick Dunnocks to retrain as Magpies and squawking in their bird equivalent of ears.

 

This morning, this jet black crow/raven (I'm no bloody expert) attacks two of the Magpies and sends them packing. To me, I had a mild hangover, this crow looked the spitting image of Yul Brynner. A few minutes later, the Magpies were back, kicking more Finch/Robin a*** than usual.

 

Now, it's blatantly obvious to me - What my garden needs is a 'James Coburn' pigeon, a 'Charlie Bronson' thrush and at least four others to join 'Yul Brynner' crow and get these Magpies out of the garden for good, and let the little birds live in peace.

 

I'd be VERY surprised if some of you lot weren't twichers in disguise - so, with an amnesty from all posters of any ridicule if you 'out' yourselves as such, any advice as to how to address this pressing problem?

 

Thanks in advance, etc....

 

Case

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I've gone off birds lately.

 

The ducks round here are a disgrace. Two duck lads onto one duck tart and to my mind I've witnessed what I can only describe as a number of duck-rapes since the Spring and I don't like it. Properly one holding her fast to the deck while the other gets his whassname and everything. Has it always been this way or is it just these barstads?

 

F*ck the ducks, man. They're arlarse.

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I've gone off birds lately.

 

The ducks round here are a disgrace. Two duck lads onto one duck tart and to my mind I've witnessed what I can only describe as a number of duck-rapes since the Spring and I don't like it. Properly one holding her fast to the deck while the other gets his whassname and everything. Has it always been this way or is it just these barstads?

 

F*ck the ducks, man. They're arlarse.

 

THIS!

 

No f***** thinks how the double dip recession affects the birds (not that kind).

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Until recently, our garden had been a refuge for birds (no, not that kind) of many varieties, pecking their way through seeds, insects etc, and merrily chirping their way through many a morning... Now, these peaceful, harmless little 'Mexicans' have been bullied out of their state of avian grace by a bunch of b*****d Magpies, with 'Eli Wallach' Magpie clearly directing operations. These feckers have basically bullied the poor little b******s all over the shop, kicking them up the a***, stealing their food, stealing their chick Dunnocks to retrain as Magpies and squawking in their bird equivalent of ears.

 

This morning, this jet black crow/raven (I'm no bloody expert) attacks two of the Magpies and sends them packing. To me, I had a mild hangover, this crow looked the spitting image of Yul Brynner. A few minutes later, the Magpies were back, kicking more Finch/Robin a*** than usual.

 

Now, it's blatantly obvious to me - What my garden needs is a 'James Coburn' pigeon, a 'Charlie Bronson' thrush and at least four others to join 'Yul Brynner' crow and get these Magpies out of the garden for good, and let the little birds live in peace.

 

I'd be VERY surprised if some of you lot weren't twichers in disguise - so, with an amnesty from all posters of any ridicule if you 'out' yourselves as such, any advice as to how to address this pressing problem?

 

Thanks in advance, etc....

 

Case

 

Get yerself a pelican.

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I've gone off birds lately.

 

The ducks round here are a disgrace. Two duck lads onto one duck tart and to my mind I've witnessed what I can only describe as a number of duck-rapes since the Spring and I don't like it. Properly one holding her fast to the deck while the other gets his whassname and everything. Has it always been this way or is it just these barstads?

 

F*ck the ducks, man. They're arlarse.

The duck reproductive process/system is a fascinating subject, probably deserving a thread of it's own. But as for the above mentioned assaults, the female duck's wotsits have got several dead-ends to deal with this unwelcome attention and ensure it doesn't result in baby ducks.

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I've gone off birds lately.

 

The ducks round here are a disgrace. Two duck lads onto one duck tart and to my mind I've witnessed what I can only describe as a number of duck-rapes since the Spring and I don't like it. Properly one holding her fast to the deck while the other gets his whassname and everything. Has it always been this way or is it just these barstads?

 

F*ck the ducks, man. They're arlarse.

Its always been that way, they drown the 'Duck tarts' in some mass gang rapes as well. Apparently it is natures way of making sure that that the strongest male and females carry on ensuring the breed doesn't go extinct.

Edited by Buzz
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The duck reproductive process/system is a fascinating subject, probably deserving a thread of it's own. But as for the above mentioned assaults, the female duck's wotsits have got several dead-ends to deal with this unwelcome attention and ensure it doesn't result in baby ducks.

 

 

Never mind the wotsits, one looked like she'd had her leg broke and her back door booted in.

 

If that's their game they can f*ck off.

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The duck reproductive process/system is a fascinating subject, probably deserving a thread of it's own. But as for the above mentioned assaults, the female duck's wotsits have got several dead-ends to deal with this unwelcome attention and ensure it doesn't result in baby ducks.

so basically...up the bum, no babies?

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Its always been that way, they drown the 'Duck tarts' in some mass gang rapes as well. Apparently it is natures way of making sure that that the strongest male and females carry on ensuring the breed doesn't go extinct.

 

 

These lads were helping each other so i don't know how that works.

 

One holds her down while the other gets his oats and vice versa - not sure how that promotes fitness and general well-being. Not what you want to see out the window while you are having your egg and chips either.

 

Speaking of which, I shall make a point of going out my way to eat more ducks from now on and every duck egg I can get my hands on is getting scranned good style. I don't see how I will make the situation worse and I'll feel like I'm reclaiming the streets a little in my own way for lady ducks to go about their lawful businesses, whatever they are.

Edited by smithdown
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Seen a magpie kill and eat a sparrow a couple of days ago.

Twas not a very nice sight either.

The sparrow's mate stood there chirping with a blackbird for about half an hour after the magpie had his fill.

 

Magpies are b******s.

Edited by Dave A
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I stopped my car and jumped out to save a sparrow that was being killed by a magpie...well I say killed...couldve been rape I suppose.

 

I was a bird saver that day.

 

Had I been in my car I would've probably done the same.

Jumping out of a window is less Dukes of Hazard.

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Get a cat to get rid of the magpies, then get a dog to get rid if the cat, then get a goat to get rid of the dog, then get a horse to get rid of the goat, then get an elephant to get rid of the horse, then get a whale to get rid of the elephant, then get the Japanese to get rid of the whale.

 

You didn't happen to swallow a fly did you?

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